Byron Scott: "Welcome to the first annual draft pick debates! Tonight we have two #4 picks that are vying for the right to be named Kyrie Irving's second banana. I am your moderator, Byron Scott. I know the fans of the Cavaliers have been waiting for this so let's jump right in!
First question: With the departure of Antawn Jamison, the Cavs will be looking for someone to help Kyrie carry the scoring load. Why do you think that you are the player that should be getting the lion's share of these shots? Tristan, as the elder draftee we'll start with you."
Tristan Thompson: "First of all, I would like to thank Coach Scott for moderating this debate and Dion for bothering to show up in shape. Wow Dion, you're looking sharp in that suit. I'm glad that you didn't forget it at the hotel!
Now, to answer the question, I believe that my work over the summer has prepared me to take on another 10-15 shots a game. At this point I am clearly the best dunker on the team, and as we all know, dunking is the highest percentage shot-"
Dion Waiters: "When you don't get blocked by the rim it is"
TT: "Highest percentage shot...YOU CAN TAKE. Ahem. Well, since my friend brought this up, I have been hard at work over the offseason strength training and I believe that I should have no trouble powering my way to the rim this year."
Scott: "Thank you, Tristan. Ok, Dion, go ahead."
DW: "I would also like to thank Coach Scott for being here tonight. I would like to begin by rebutting Mr. Thompson's assertion that dunking is the best way to make up some of the scoring this year. This team has plenty of big men to go around, but what this team really needs is spacing. We can't keep the defense honest if Mr. Thompson insists on trying to dunk on every possession. I was drafted to provide something that this team desperately needs: dribble penetration and jump shooting. Every time I make a shot..---"
TT: "Oh, do you plan on doing that at some point?"
DW: "I plan on making all of them in the near future. Anyway, my jump shot will allow the bigs to be in position to make an impact around the rim. Also, I would like to point out that as I adjust to NBA defenses and the system, I expect my shot to start dropping."
Scott: "Tristan, Dion brings up a good point in that I do like to see solid shooting from the 4 position. Do you have a solution to the problem of spacing that having you in a lineup with Varejao might cause?"
TT: "Yes, I do. Along with my strength training, I have also been hard at work on my jumper. I believe that this year I will be able to consistently hit shots from 15 feet-"
DW: "Oh, Come on, Coach. When are we going to stop believing the drafted power forwards on this team that they can hit jumpers?! This is the same song and dance that we heard from JJ Hickson. Do you really think Tristan will suddenly learn to drop jumpers? I may be young, but I wasn't born yesterday."
TT: "With all due respect, my friend, I know JJ Hickson, and I am no JJ Hickson. Everything I have, I have had to earn. I wasn't simply handed buckets by Lebron James. Heck, I didn't even get to play with Kyrie for most of last year. I certainly don't plan on growing a neck beard and suddenly demanding a max contract."
DW: "That's only because you probably can't grow a n'eard. I assume that you think that your molestache is somehow better? Being Canadian doesn't give you the right to set facial hair back 30 years, Mr. Thompson."
TT: "I respectively disagree."
Scott: "Ok, Ok, gentlemen. It looks like we've run out of time before we could get to defense. I think you both made solid cases for why you should be Kyrie's first option, but as usual it will be up to the media to spin this into a victory for one or the other. Next time I, for one, hope that you will all go a little easier on the mustache jokes. Thank you both for participating and I look forward to bouncing you both in and out of my increasingly inconsistent lineups. "
Boosh has been writing for IGOHARDNOW.com for the last year or so, where he is also the host of the Backdoor Pass podcast. You can (should) follow him on twitter: @hoopsboosh. He is actually very optimistic about the potential of these young players, so please don't take this too seriously. Oh, and please, please, please don't read into the political implications of this piece, it's all fun and games.