The Cleveland Cavaliers Bench is So Bad...

Jeff Hanisch-US PRESSWIRE

There are a lot of reasons to be happy if you're a Cavaliers fan. Kyrie Irving looks astounding. Anderson Varejao is having the best start to a season ever. Dion Waiters is playing like a fourth overall pick should be playing. But man, that bench. Dear God, that bench...

The Cavaliers bench is bad. How bad are they you ask? Well, let's break it down, Yo Momma style:

  • The Cavs bench is so bad, I'm jealous of the Charlotte Bobcats' depth.
  • The Cavs bench is so bad, Byron Scott doesn't sub them in, the bench physically rejects them every 10 minutes.
  • The Cavs bench is so bad, I'd rather stick a hanger on the stove, let it sit there for like a half hour, take it off and stab it in my tongue slow like ssssssssss than watch the second quarter of a Cavs game.
  • The Cavs bench is so bad, they scored six points against the Nets and two of those points were off a goaltend from Reggie Evans. Wait, this one actually happened.
  • The Cavs bench is so bad, they actually play Luke Walton.
  • Donald Sloan is like a nerdy kid who's really into anime, he has no idea how to score.
  • Omri Casspi is so bad, he's on the All-Star Ballot. Wait, what?!
  • Samardo Samuels is so fat, when he goes to a restaurant, he sits down, looks at the menu and says ‘ok'. I'm sorry, Samardo Samuels WAS so fat, when he goes to a restaurant, he sits down, looks at the menu and says ‘ok'. He's still pretty bad at basketball.
  • Jon Leuer's jumpshot is so ugly, it has it's own Craiglist Personals ad.
  • C.J. Miles is so bad, he's scored only five more points than he has turnovers and personal fouls combined. Really.
  • The Cavs bench is so foul, I thought I heard them quack. That one's a pun on the word ‘fowl', you guys.
  • The Cavs bench is so shallow, they make Donald Trump look deep.
  • The Cavs bench is so poor, Mitt Romney would openly mock them at a fundraiser.
  • The Cavs bench is so un-athletic, they wouldn't be able to pass the Presidential Fitness Test. Remember that from back in grade school? Flexed arm hang, y'all.
  • The Cavs bench is so talentless, they make Kim Kardashian look like Bruce Springsteen in comparison.
  • The Cavs bench is like the Ark of the Covenant, one quick look and your face will melt off in horror.
  • The Cavs bench is like Freddy Krueger, they'll haunt you dreams and turn your days into waking nightmares.
  • The Cavs bench is like pomegranates, they suck. Yeah, I hate pomegranates, come at me, bro.
  • The Cavs bench is like the movie John Carter, it's a multi-million dollar disaster of historic proportions.
  • The Cavs bench is like Rick Santorum's Presidential campaign, it would be funny if it wasn't so horrifying and scary.

Now it's your turn. Keep this going in the comments.

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