The Cleveland Cavaliers play against the Washington Wizards tonight in their final home game of the season. One could argue that the Cavs would benefit from another loss in order to keep pace with the Sacramento Kings and New Orleans Hornets. I would make that argument. I'm about to tell you how the Cavaliers can make this Fan Appreciation Night at the Q a success, by losing to the Wizards.
Song of the Day: Yakety Sax
This song is relevant. Just stick with me for a minute.
Washington Wizards (18-46) at Cleveland Cavaliers (21-43)
Kyrie Irving is doubtful tonight. So there's that. The Cavaliers seem to have noticed that losing is better for them in the long run, despite people all over the internet getting all upset about tanking and stuff like that. You want to tank? Here's how you do it. This would be an enormous loss because the Kings and Hornets are both currently sitting at 21 wins along with the Cavs. Another win would push Cleveland past these two teams and into a tie with the Raptors and Nets. It gets messy. The best thing is to just sit tight at 21 wins. This is how it's done.
So it seems that Kyrie will not play because he has come down with the flu. He's listed as doubtful and his absence from the lineup definitely increases Cleveland's chances of losing. However, the Cavs can increase their chances even further by sitting some more starters. Here's what my starting lineup would look like tonight:
Point guard - Luke Harangody
Can you imagine seeing Gody run fast breaks? My primary offense would be calling isolations for Luke and letting him drive to the basket. We'd be awesome.
Shooting guard - Anthony Parker
Because I'm not entirely convinced we have a worse option on this team.
Small forward - Samardo Samuels
Just imagine Samardo trying to defend the Wizards starting small forward. I'll be honest and say that I do not know who the Wizards' starting small forward is, but I doubt Samardo could guard him.
Power forward - Manny Harris
People have been calling for him to play more, well here's his chance. If he's as great as certain people on Twitter seem to think he is, then let him prove it by posting up and stretching the floor. The ideal tanking power forward.
Center - Ryan Hollins
I know he no longer plays for the this team, but I think we could take him off Boston's hands for a few hours. Seriously, are they going to miss his 1.5 rebounds per game?
So that's my starting lineup. This team would most definitely lose and it would be a horrible experience for all of those involved. That's actually one of my main concerns about tanking -- the people that it hurts the most is the fans that paid to go to the game. Here's the solution: don't make them pay. That's right. If I'm Dan Gilbert tonight, I fully refund all fans' tickets and open the doors to the Q for free. Come on in and see this team tank for free. Even if it's free, who would want to go to that game, you ask? Well first off, anybody who loves comedy. Second, we would have some other things to entice people to go.
I hinted at it earlier but you know how NBA arenas play hip music during timeouts and stuff? Well, not for this game. Instead, "Yakety Sax" will be playing on repeat, throughout the entire game. I'll wait for 30 seconds while you imagine Luke Harangody running a fast break with Yakety Sax playing in the background.
Annnddd we're back. Another thing that we would do to get fans to come out and support Tankapalooza 2012 would be to have a promotional giveaway. The item? Complimentary unibrow. Every fan that attends the game gets some sort of cool unibrow sticker thing that they can wear. It would be a full stadium of people supporting the Cavaliers' efforts to put themselves in the best situation for the upcoming draft.
Now try to tell me that you wouldn't go to that event. I would. It'd be hilarious and go a long way towards improving our draft position.
It's Tankapalooza 2012!