The Great Anderson Varejao Injury Conspiracy

David Richard-US PRESSWIRE

Cavaliers fans officially learned today that Anderson Varejao's knee is in much worse shape than originally thought. Claimed to be simply a deep knee bruise as recently as this week, the Cavaliers revealed that Andy will miss the next six to eight weeks to undergo surgery on a split quadriceps. This of course, got the rumor mill going on Twitter...

CONSPIRACY! The screams echoed across the Internet. From every corner, every mountain top, every Twitter timeline, Cavaliers fans were out in force, crying foul about how the Cavaliers obviously intentionally misled their fans about Anderson Varejao's injury, and were frantically trying to piece the vast conspiracy together, to get to the bottom of the whole sordid affair, and to discover who was really at fault for this great injustice.

To the best of my knowledge, the conspiracy that has been landed upon is as follows. The Cavaliers, knowing that Varejao was seriously injured and would miss months of action, wanted to keep the news from spreading and impacting Andy's trade value. As such, they created a smoke screen. An ingenious cover that no one would see through. They would say that Varejao had a grade-A ouchie, a real nasty boo-boo, and had to sit to recover from the world's meanest knee bruise. Yeah, no one would see through that. Nope, not at all.

Actually, we all pretty much started questioning this last week, but let's just forget that ever happened, okay?

Continuing on. After having successfully duped the rest of the league that Varejao was simply suffering from a really bad owie-wowie, they would trade him to a contender and bring back all the pieces that Cavs would need to win a championship right now and for another bajillion years. Once Varejao was successfully off their hands, Dan Gilbert and Chris Grant would laugh at the poor team who shipped their entire team off to the Cavs for a broken player and together they would rule over the NBA like Darth Vader and the Emperor.

Except that's all total bullshit.

First of all, players have to pass a team's physical before a trade can go through. This is routine. There is no way that if the Cavaliers traded Varejao with this injury that a team would not discover that his bruise was actually covering up major muscular surgery. Not happening. There was absolutely no incentive for the Cavaliers to hide or cover-up an injury of this magnitude.

Once you remove that incentive, the whole conspiracy thing pretty much falls on it's face. What your left with is something far less interesting. Either Andy's injury is a complicated, strange injury that is difficult to diagnose or got worse over time (which is totally possible because I've never heard of someone "splitting" their muscle and I wouldn't take any precautions whatsoever if I thought I simply had a bruise on my knee), or the Cavaliers medical team botched the initial diagnosis and were proved wrong by the second opinion (which, considering that this happened earlier in the year with Kyrie Irving's finger, there's also a good chance at this being the case as well).

But more importantly, and this is really personal for me, this is just a flat out shitty conspiracy. I love conspiracy theories. As a kid who could never fall asleep as a kid, I grew up on the late night call-in show Coast to Coast AM. Trust me, I know a good conspiracy. And this, this is garbage. This is boring. Come on guys, if you're going to make up a conspiracy theory about Anderson Varejao, at least make it interesting. Read and learn.

Conspiracy Theory #1: Dan Gilbert, being a multi-millionaire that owns a significant amount of real estate, is clearly a member of the Illuminati. By some conspiracy theories (in other words, the good ones), the Illuminati are not just a secret society of the rich and powerful, they're actually shape-shifting reptilian aliens that have secretly enslaved mankind. Let's go with that angle.

So Dan Gilbert is secretly a giant space lizard. Being a giant space lizard, he knows other giant space lizards with all kinds of cool shit that you can't even think of. Shit like rocket ships and laser guns and stuff like that. They also have a cool chamber like the one in Prometheus that can repair any kind of injury almost instantaneously. So Dan Gilbert wanted to use this space surgery tube on Andy so he wouldn't miss any time. Hence the story of a bruise, because, come on, it's a bruise. Who misses time for a bruise?

It took a while to get Andy in to see the space lizard doctor (I mean, let's face it, if you were space lizard doctor that was secretly ruling the earth, you'd have more important things to do than help the Cavs), and unfortunately they found out that he was too tall to use the surgery tube bullshitty thing. So they had to come clean and schedule Andy for contemporary surgery.

See, isn't that a better conspiracy theory? Now watch, I can do it again.

Conspiracy Theory #2: Andy was actually suffering from a bruise and was all set to make his return. Only thing is, he owed Samardo Samuels a bunch of money. Gambling debts, you know, Michael Jordan conspiracy theory shit. So Samardo gets all impatient and is all like, "yo Andy, pay up" and Andy is all like "naw dog, go back to the D-League, LOLs", so Samardo was then all like "YOLO" and got all mad and hired some hitman to club Andy's knee, causing the muscle split. For punishment, Samardo was waived. Of course, Omri Casspi witnessed this all go down and given that he's such a quiet, demure guy, he was appalled and asked to for a trade because he can't see the Cavs practice facility without thinking of this horrible sight.

See, this works because it combines multiple actual events, which lends credibility to the story. Also, everyone loves a good story about athlete's gambling and the "Nancy Kerrigan"-esque angle lends a "true crime" flavor to the whole thing. People eat that shit up. One more.

Conspiracy Theory #3: Anderson Varejao's not actually injured at all and the Cavaliers are simply tanking to improve their draft standings. This would also explain how shitty they are in general.

Now that you all know better, do better than that initial conspiracy. Make me proud.

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