Note by the author: I write this not to mock the Leadership nor do I write this to fool the common people. These chronicles are one-hundred percent true. Rather than change what has already written, I seek to add dimension and perspective to history. Do not be surprised if some events I wrote down in these memoirs contradict common knowledge. I also do not mean to offend anyone. In this case, I do hope the Leadership allows this book to be circulated. It would make me happy if they did so. These works are also not fiction. I'm serious. Believe me. PLEASE.
- A quote that is meaningful and confusing at the same time to give this
fanpostbook a pretentious M. Night Shymalan feel
Chapter 1: Pre-War Tensions
June 27, 2013
It's been a while since I've last written to you, a few months actually. The last time I wrote to you was last April, wasn't it? How have you been? I sincerely hope you stopped whining about the No doubt you were paying attention to the Playoff Games of this year. I'm a bit disappointed that the Miami Heat won the Playoff Games, but what can you do other than expect it? They have some of the best commanders the world has ever seen. I have not paid attention to anything of the sort ever since the Cavs won the Draft Lottery. Our commander-in-chief, Byron Scott, was fired shortly before, if I remember correctly... replaced by our old commander, Mike Brown. Today was a hectic day. I was called up to the militia this morning to quell what was the first rebellion in a long time amid news of what the Cavaliers had done with their winning lottery ticket. They have drafted Anthony Bennett of all people. It surprised many people and quite frankly, I was shocked. I personally thought that we were going to take Noel Nerlens. I never even heard of this Bennett kid until UBT Kommissionär David Stern stepped up to the podium and said his name on the microphone.
Shocked as I was, I immediately began looking as to what Bennett was capable of. And I wasn't disappointed. He was a
fat physical monster on the offense, able to make them jumpshots well. His defensive efforts, however leave something to be desired. But I soon became confident he can improve his defense under Mike Brown, the defence-first commander. What did perplex me was why we got another Canadian power forward when we already have one who's been hugely improving since his abysmal-ish performances the year before. But Generalissimo Chris Grant knows best, I guess. We didn't only get Bennett, we also got Sergey Karasev, which actually excited many people in the Cavs Nation. I never knew much about him other than he was great for the Russian national basketball team, and that he can shoot lights out. Also he's thin as a stick. I never looked much into Carrick Felix, which was the last commander we drafted in this year's NBA Draft. After a few hours of digging into Anthony Bennett highlights, I was optimistic about his potential.
But not everyone was happy with this draft. A few of the populace of the Cavs Nation rose up and spewed poison the moment David Stern said Anthony Bennett. "We're doomed", "he's gonna flop" "the Cavs are never gonna make the playoffs again at this rate" is what they all said. I heard something about Generalissimo Chris Grant being... well, something that isn't appropriate for this letter. Soon, they began to wreck havoc in towns and set their own houses on fire. Not to mention some people tried to play drums with plates in their own negativity. This is why I was called up to the militia earlier this morning, just right after the NBA Draft finished. I was sent outside my house into FTS City, where I lived. Under orders from General Discus Shawn, I immediately grabbed my Word Sword and Head Shield and made for Game Thread Square, where the rebellion was the most extreme. Most of my comrades had already gathered. Surrounding houses in Game Thread Square were on fire, and some of the militia were trying to delay the spread of the fire for the Flaming Peace Squad arrived. Water and fire extinguishers flied all over place, it was a giant mess. I was speechless at how much the peace had tipped, as this was the first rebellion in recent history. There had been none for a long long time.
As I stood there looking at all of the chaos, a man tried to ambush me from behind. With a stick. With "DOOM AND GLOOM' written all over it. I barely dodged the stick and booted his face full of sandals. He was knocked down to the ground, and I placed him under arrest. Taking him to the nearby pile of people who were about to be arrested, I immediately got back to quelling this rebellion. I was assigned to look for anyone who might have escaped the scene. Oh, it was boring. It really was. Honestly, I went back home and grabbed a few bottles of Coke after two hours of non-stop walking and questioning. You know me, I'm a lazy person and I don't think anyone would mind me going home. I did feel something off about the City. It felt just a bit more negative and Nostradamus-like predictions became more common. The evening is currently setting into what was the most chaotic day in recent history. If you have any worries about me, please don't have any. I'll be fine in this city. I doubt these things will continue, and if they do, I'll survive them. May Dan Gilbert help us all.
Heureux (Yosh) Bleus
July 12, 2013
Today, the Cavs signed Jarett Jack and Earl Clark, the former of which almost performs well against the Cavs. The negativity that lingered after the City Rebellion continued to disappear. Things are looking good, and the Cavs have done a very reasonable move for once. Impressive how things turn around. I didn't look much into both of those two but from what the City was saying, they were solid signings. It was a good day. Not only that, but there are rumours around that we're in the lead to sign Andrew Bynum. Andrew. Bynum. Oh man, I'm excited as a little kid right now. I really do hope we sign him. Sure, he's been out-of-commission for a while now, but it would be such a great grab as he is a tremendous commander. May Dan Gilbert help us all.
July 19, 2013
YES! YES YES YES YES YES! WE SIGNED HIM! Not to mention he dissed the LakersNation, hahahaha! Anyone who does that on his first day here is welcome in my house any time. The negativity in the City almost completely disappeared. These are good times for the Cavs Nation, everyone. Generalissimo Chris Grant has done a wonderful job thus far. He will make an excellent partner to our great commander, Kyrie Irving.
However, he might not start leading the troops until 2014 or slightly before, or he might not even be able to lead due to his injuries. These two are the only downsides, and I don't know what will happen until later on. We'll just see, I guess. May Dan Gilbert help us all.
October 8, 2013
The Cavs have started out their preseason in a good way with a win against the Milwaukee Bucks. I didn't see it happen though, I was asleep for the entire game. Apparently we did a good job, and I can't really remember a lot of the details mostly because it's pre-season. But if the Cavs continue this way, we'll be great in the real season. Awwwwyeah. Almost everything that was promised to us by Führer Dan Gilbert will be brought! We shall never go back to that Lottery ever again, and we'll make the Playoff Games. Just wait and see, world! May Dan Gilbert help us all.
October 19, 2013
...So, we lost to the Bobkitties a few days ago. That's...
I watched that one and just ugh.
We pulled a win from Detroit though, which is good, but again I didn't watch it! I'm having really bad luck with these games.
Today, we lost against the Pacers, which is fair enough really. But I watched it. Damn. Just after the Bobkitty loss, a rebellion started everywhere in Game Thread Square and all around FTS City. I was sent out once again as militia, and did the same things I did in the Draft Rebellion a few months ago, except on a wider scale. The Leadership was getting nervous about this. We did eventually quell the rebellion, but now the whispers of negativity and songs about Nostradamus were louder than ever. May Dan Gilbert help us all.
October 24, 2013
The Cavs lost to the Bobkitties. Again. I am not in my house writing this down this time. Instead, I am in the frontlines quelling our own people! Over the past few days and especially today, thirty percent of the populace split off from the general people and they dubbed themselves the Pessimists in what is now known as the Great Glass Schism. (My name, not yours.) They have been spreading their Nostradamus-like predictions and negativity throughout the entirety of the Cavs Nation. Twitter Town was one of the most affected parts of this uprising of the negativity. May Dan Gilbert help us all. And may the great Leadership give us the power to finish this uprising.
TO BE CONTINUED