Before I get into the meat of this week's column, I want to thank everyone who came out for Fear the Sword Night at the Q on Saturday. It was a blast getting to meet you all and it was nice to be able to finally put some faces to some of the names on here in the comments. We'll definitely have to see if we can get something like that organized again sometime soon. Now, with that out of the way let's get into this week's topic.
Apparently, today is Cyber Monday. Today is the day when every online retailer posts their craziest deals in an attempt to get in on the Black Friday craze. I've never been much of a Black Friday shopper myself as I can't possibly think of a more embarrassing way to die than being trampled to death at a Walmart because I was trying to score a box set of the Mighty Ducks movies for $5.00, so I appreciate what Cyber Monday brings to the table. While it definitely isn't the same due to the lack of people watching (I totally saw a license plate that said TEH LULZ at Target last year on Black Friday), I think the fact that I know I won't be stampeded to death is a fair tradeoff.
That said, Cyber Monday does bring something unique to the table. Because online retailers don't have to worry about physical shelf space, they stock some really weird crap for sale. Because of that, I thought it would be prudent for me to go ahead and dig through the Cavaliers Team Shop to find some of the more interesting items for sale.
What does a penguin have to do with the Cavaliers? I have absolutely no idea. Apparently neither do the makers of this plush doll, because there is absolutely no attempt made at linking this big eyed penguin back to the Cavaliers. Get this one for your friend who loves penguins and doesn't really mind that this makes absolutely no sense at all.
Oh my God, what did they do to you Moondog? Why has your body been replaced with a weird lumpy bag? Where are your legs? Are you in pain? You look uncomfortable. Blink twice if you need help. Sir C.C. will be on his way to come rescue you from whatever torture device this is.
Have shitty taste in both music and basketball teams? Boy do I have the shirt for you!
Don't move. He can't see us if we don't move.
You ever wanted a Kyrie Irving jersey but wished that it would be horrifically ugly and barely legible? Thankfully, the Cavs Team Shop's got you covered with this abomination of a jersey. Wear it with pride and confuse everyone you come in contact with.
Dear Mr. Gilbert,
I am writing you today to express my disappointment in your "Cavs Family Decals" available on the official team shop. As a diehard Cavaliers fan, I am saddened that I cannot fully express my fandom because this decal collection lacks the proper amount of cats for my family unit. Are you so ignorant to believe that no Cavaliers fan possess more than one individual cat? Are you not aware that cats are quite social animals and require constant companionship? As die hard and ardent of a supporter as I have been over the years, this is the final straw. Do you know that I would have to purchase upwards of six individual decal sets to acquire the necessary number of cat stickers for the back of my car? Six packs. Sure, I could draw whiskers on those disgusting dogs that you've included, but that's a disgrace to the feline species.
It is with the deepest of sadness, that I must let you know that until this outrageous injustice is rectified, my fandom can no longer continue.
Terrify the living shit out of your young child with this plush hat that looks exactly like Moondog's decapitated head. Give the gift of life-long psychological damage today at the Cavs Team Shop!
Why? This has to be the product of some kind of merchandizing Mad Libs or something. What does Miss Piggy have to do with the Cavaliers? Why would anyone want a Miss Piggy dog tag in the first place, yet alone one with her dressed up like a Cavs cheerleader? The fact that she's wearing a LeBron James era jersey probably explains everything, as I'm sure these have just been sitting somewhere in the basement of the Q gathering dust for years. This would make a perfect stocking stuffer though!
For the discerning Cavs fan who prefers to snack on goat milk brie with quince paste on water crackers instead of wings and chips. In other words, me.
WHY DOES THIS ONLY COME IN YOUTH SIZES?! WHY MUST YOU TAUNT ME CAVS?!
This is it. This is the greatest possible gift you could give any Cavs fan. It's beautiful. Perfection.
Feel free to alert us about any crazy deals you may find in your Internet travels today below in the comments. Be safe guys, the Internet can be a dangerous place on Cyber Monday. Before you know it, you can easily blow all your hard earned cash on weird licensed products co-branded with the Cavaliers for no reason and not even know it. Be careful!