Dear Chris Grant,
I have a trade offer for you that will blow your socks off. I somehow misplaced the private email address that you gave me, but I know that you check Fear the Sword everyday anyway, so I thought this little note would suffice.
You've got an unhappy Cavalier on your hands, Chris. Omri Casspi has demanded a trade, and you have yet to field a trade offer that nets you anyone with anywhere close to Casspi's unique talents. I have just the man for you: Jesse Huggins.
While I don't doubt that you have terrific scouts, I'll bet that you don't know who Jesse Huggins is, so I'l introduce you. Jesse is a prime contributor on my intramural team, with good rebounding skills, soft hands around the rim, and a good sense of humor. Why do I want to get rid of such a prize, you ask? Well, Chris, you know how teams will sometimes trade a guy who they feel won't re-sign with them for the next season? Well, Jesse doesn't have enough money to stay in school, so he's probably going to sign with some rec-league team in Alabama. I'm sure league-minimum contract would solve all of his financial woes. He isn't really an NBA player, but neither is Casspi, so there's no harm done.
Meanwhile, his departure leaves a gaping hole in our frontcourt. Now I know Omri fancies himself as a small forward, but in our intramural league, he would probably average forty rebounds a game.
Now, I know why you have yet to move Casspi: he has the best beard on your team, which makes him the unquestioned leader in manliness and swagger. Jesse can't quite match that level of facial stubbery, but he does have a little chin-strap, and what have you been stockpiling all of those draft picks for anyway?
Speaking of draft picks, our league doesn't have any, so I won't be able to offer you any of those for Omri, but I will cheer hard for the Lakers to make the playoffs so that you get there's.
I think it works for everyone. Casspi gets PT, Jesse gets mullah. I get an upgrade in the post, while you don't lose anything substantial, while gaining a guy who would be a great locker room presence with all those jokes.
Let me know when you decide to accept this trade.
General manager, The Terrible Tuesdays
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