Dear Chris Grant,
I was shocked to find that you had turned down my completely fair and brilliantly conceived trade for Omri Casspi, but don’t think for a minute that I’ve gotten bitter over it. In fact, I’m in the mood to help you out again!
I want to help you with your efforts to tank for ping-pong balls in the upcoming NBA draft. First off, congratulations on successfully completing the hardest part of the tanking process: convincing the media that all of your good players are “injured”. It takes talent to do what you did (although you may want to consider injuring off Alonzo Gee too, as he’s been giving way too much effort lately, and Kyrie could go down again in the next few games if you play your cards right). And that is why you are in such a good position.
So I like your personnel, but I’m a little bothered by the way they’ve been playing. I like your eight game losing streak, but games against Miami and Boston were too close for comfort. On top of that, you made the colossal error of bringing Kyrie back. That guy could win a couple games on accident. I’m afraid your guys might be playing not to win, instead of playing to lose. You might want to give Byron a talking-to about that. Phoenix and Detroit are right on your tails, Chris, and those guys are hungry for disrespect.
Anyway, in an effort to ensure that your team doesn’t win another game, I suggest that you change your strategy. Present the following plan to the media next time they give you a mic.
“With the unfortunate loss of Alonzo Gee for the season with an acute case of pink-eye, many of you in the media have completely written us off. But we have a plan to go on a complete tear to end this season! We are abandoning the Oklahoma City and San Antonio models and jumping onto the Miami model. Here’s our plan:
Miami typically has four main contributors off of their bench. We believe that we can bring the same combination of professionalism and talent off of our bench.
Ray Allen-Daniel Gibson
Ray Allen has long been considered one of the most reliable and feared shooters in the league. Gibson is feared by Detroit fans. Enough said.
Chris Anderson- Tyler Zeller
We know Zeller hasn’t exactly been the intimidating player that we thought we were getting when we drafted him, but that’s the coaches’ fault as much as it is Tyler’s. We just need to help Tyler find his inner birdman. So we’ll take Tyler to the barber and the tattoo parlor and bring him back a bad man.
Don’t ask if we have a Shane Battier on our team; ask if Miami has an Omri Casspi on theirs! Casspi can defend anyone Shane can, and his shooting is waaaay better. His only issue is that he doesn’t flop quite as well as Shane, but we’re taking him for some acting lessons, so he’ll be a terror off the bench soon.
Norris Cole-Shaun Livingston
Norris Cole’s main talent comes from his flattop. We’re giving Shaun some Rogaine since we don’t have much time to get his hair ready, but he’ll be there soon.
Now I know you’re already chomping at the bit to see how we look tonight in Atlanta with our new philosophy, but wait till you hear about our starting lineup!
We usually play Kyrie at PG, but he passes too much to fit the bill in the Miami model. Wayne Ellington, on the other hand, can shoot better than Mario Chalmers, and he’ll defer to our LeBron (more on this in a bit), which will make our offense click like none other (you know, beside Miami themselves).
Miami has Dwyane Wade; a shooting guard who plays with enormous swagger and can get to the rim any time he wants. Sound familiar? That’s right, we’re giving Josh Selby the chance he so deserves! What’s that? We cut him? Oh. Okay, Kyrie’s back in, but I want you to prepare your hearts for the very real possibility of him getting hurt again, since he’ll have to go STRONG to the hole to mimic Dwyane Wade.
Now, this is what makes Miami so special. Their small forward runs like a deer, jumps like Tigger, and passes like Peyton Manning. Not many teams have a guy like him, but we happen to have just such a player. Luke freaking Walton. Also, Walton’s birth certificate was just found, and amazingly, his given name happens to be LukeBron. LukeBron is going to dunk over the whole league for the remainder of the season.
Miami has a completely selfless power forward in Udonis Haslem. We’re going to start Kevin Jones, because he’s never had a selfish motive in his life. Again, this offense is all about LukeBron.
Miami’s “center” is a left-handed guy who shoots jumpers and steadily refuses to rebound the basketball. Let’s see, do we have a left handed big guy with a silky smooth jumper? You know we do! We’ve been trying to get Tristan Thompson more opportunities to shoot threes all year. Now that we’re following the Miami philosophy, Tristan will get a chance to show how versatile he is. Now, he does rebound way better than Chris Bosh, but we think we can get him to stop doing this by stationing him 20 feet away from the basket.
We may not win 27 straight games with this model, since Stern made the season too short, but I guarantee that this will be a team that no one soon forgets.”
Chris, this plan is all good. First off, people will think you’re dumb, so you’ll be able to get other GMs to trade with you again without fear of being fleeced. Also, you’ll be so bad that Stern might just give you the #1 pick like he did with Kyr-I mean, like he’s never done before…
Anyway, I look forward to helping you with anything you need in the future.
General Manager, The Terrible Tuesdays