Once Upon a Time: The Tale of the 2013 NBA Draft

Once upon a time…. The clock strikes 8:00 and the night has just begun. The Cleveland Cavaliers currently hold the number 1 selection in the NBA Draft as well as the 19th, 31st, and 33rd overall picks. Cleveland Cavaliers fans wait in anticipation of the nerve wracking night ahead.

8:05- Commissioner Stern arrives at the podium to loud boos from the audience. Stern embraces the hate as it fuels his body. He thrives off of hatred, dead puppies, and children’s tears.

8:08- The Cavaliers are officially on the clock.

8:08:01- Commissioner Stern is back at the podium to announce the pick for the Cavaliers. The video feed floats over to Dan Gilbert who has wet himself in the excitement. Stern announces that the Cavaliers have taken Nerlens Noel, the Center from the University of Kentucky.

8:10- Noel arrives on stage, shakes hands with Stern, and smiles for the cameras. As Noel walks off stage, he is met by Mike Brown who hugs and kisses him. Brown thanks the basketball gods for his luck.

8:12- Bill Simmons is discussing his latest theory that the lottery was rigged to bring Noel to the Cavaliers. This theory involved three midgets, a talking elephant, the Queen of England, and four strippers. Long story short, Stern gave Noel to the Cavaliers to give Lebron an incentive to come back so Gilbert would stop leaving voicemails regarding tampering charges.

8:17- The Orlando Magic take Trey Burke, Point Guard from the University of @$%&!#&. Jalen Rose expresses what an incredible selection this will be for the Magic with no bias to his alma mater at all.

8:25- The Washington Wizards select Anthony Bennett, the tweener from UNLV. Charles Barkley discusses the similarities he sees between Anthony Bennett and former Number 2 overall selection Derrick Williams. John Wall cries.

8:30- David Stern realizes the draft is moving too quickly to get all the commercials in so he decides to pause the draft for 20 minutes due to “technical difficulties”.

8:50- The Charlotte Bobcats select Ben McLemore, Shooting Guard out of the University of Kansas. The Bobcats cannot believe their good luck in having McLemore fall to them. First week of summer league, Michael Jordan challenges McLemore to a game of one-on-one. McLemore beats Jordan 21-19. MJ proceeds to trade McLemore for “undisclosed basketball reasons”.

8:55- WHHHHAAAAAATTTTTTTT???????? THE PHOENIX SUNS HAVE TRADED THE NUMBER 5 OVERALL SELECTION TO THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS!!??!!?? The Cavaliers traded the 19th, 31st, and 33rd overall picks as well as Alonzo Gee and a future pick from the Sacramento Kings in exchange for the number 5 overall selection.

8:58- The Cavaliers select Otto Porter, Small Forward from the University of Georgetown. Dan Gilbert cries tears of joy and writes a 12 page letter in comic sans font thanking the fans of the Cavaliers and making thinly veiled comments regarding how much he hates the Miami Heat.

9:00- Nobody honestly cares what happens after this.

Then Kyrie Irving woke up……….

This is a Fan-Created Comment on The opinion here is not necessarily shared by the editorial staff at FearTheSword

Log In Sign Up

Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Fear The Sword

You must be a member of Fear The Sword to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Fear The Sword. You should read them.

Join Fear The Sword

You must be a member of Fear The Sword to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Fear The Sword. You should read them.




Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.