NBA Mock Draft: Selecting players based on awesomeness of their names

USA TODAY Sports

You want a mock draft? I'll give you a mock draft.

The NBA draft lottery has come and gone. Much to the surprise of many, the Cleveland Cavaliers find themselves at the top of the heap for the second time in three years. Now is the time for all the basketball pundits to spend hours, days and weeks over-analyzing every little thing about this year's pool of college talent in order to inundate us all with a nonstop barrage of Mock Drafts. To some, this is exciting. To me, this is a special kind of Hell.

Personally, I couldn't care less about these Mock Drafts. I'm not a college basketball fan. Between maintaining some semblance of a life, my job, and watching the NBA, I just don't think I have time for any more basketball. To me, everyone on these draft boards is the same faceless unknown. I know I'm supposed to want to the Cavaliers to take Nerlens Noel, and I know it's because he's supposedly a difference maker on defense. Problem is, I've never seen him play that defense. Sure, I could watch some draft scouting reports on the Internet, but there are way more interesting things to watch on YouTube than draft scouting reports. Like videos of cats riding Roombas. And dudes accidentally getting hit in their stuff.

That said, as I write about basketball on the Internet, I feel compelled to share a Mock Draft with you all. Except, because I know absolutely nothing about who any of these people are, I'll be totally up front with the fact that I'm pulling all of this out of my ass (let's face it, so is everyone else writing one of these, I just won't try to hide it). So with that out of the way, let's do this stupid thing:

1) The Cleveland Cavaliers select Otto Porter. Why Otto Porter? Because I like the name Otto. I only know two people named Otto, and they're both awesome. One is the bus driver from The Simpsons. The other is Otto Orf from the early 90's Cleveland Crunch. Both of those dudes are pretty great, and one of them also happens to be on a Cleveland team that won a championship (though in a league that defaulted). Porters also happen to be my favorite type of beer, so this one seems like a no-brainer.


2) The Orlando Magic select Shabazz Muhammad. Shabazz sounds like something a wizard would say when conjuring up some kind of magical spell. It only makes sense. Speaking of wizards...


3) The Washington Wizards select Nerlens Noel. More like Merlin Noel, amirite? This needs to happen, just for the pun.


4) The Charlotte Bobcats/Hornets select Kelly Olynyk. I'm only selecting him because his name reminds me of the Larisa Oleynyk, who played Alex Mack in The Secret World of Alex Mack. Hopefully Kelly Olynyk can also turn into a puddle of goo, because that's basically what the poor, poor Bobcats/Hornets are at this point.


5) The Phoenix Suns select Alex Len. His name makes me think of the word "lense" which makes me think of sunglasses. That's about as much thought as I'm going to put into the Phoenix Suns.


6) The New Orleans Pelicans select Rudy Gobert. French name. Cajun Creole. It kind of makes sense. Not much, but who cares. Plus, his name makes me think of Gogurt, so he has to go pretty highly in this draft. His website is also pretty fantastic, so he needs to be represented here.


7) The Sacramento Kings select Ben McLemore. Why? Because I can't think of anyone else in this draft. I know there's a Greek dude with a crazy name, but I can't remember what it is, and even if I could, I'd have to look up the spelling and I really don't want to do that.

So that's all I have. Feel free to respond with your own Mock Drafts, because I'm sure people will care about them just as much as they care about this one.

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