Hello Fear the Sword Community,
I'm Spacefunmars, and I used to write for a completely unsuccessful NBA site called "I GO HARD NOW." That site is now dead, but in my time writing for that site, I have developed some pretty reliable sources. Well, one source, really. He can't tell me his name, but he assures me he's a Western Conference GM. He's been spot-on so far. For example, last season, he leaked to me not only the EXACT DAY the NBA season would start, but what teams would be playing on that day. He was able to tell me this a full two weeks before the season began!
Today, I come to you with his biggest scoop yet. A letter THE Dan Gilbert is about to to release to try to convince members of the 2013 Free Agent class to play for the Cavs. I've included the letter in full below:
Dear 2013 Free Agent Class,
You are about to make some pretty big decisions soon about where you will play next season. I want to make those decisions easier for you. Come play for my Cleveland Cavaliers. Unless you suck, of course. I'm not trying to extend this invitation to some good-for-nothing jerkbag. I'm talking to the winners in the free agent class. Mostly Dwight Howard (what's up, Dwighty?).
The Atlanta Hawks already wrote their collusion letter, and I thought, "Hey! That's a good idea -- only those dumb-dumbs did it wrong and then were big enough pansies to apologize for it." So here I am, writing to you guys (hey, Dwight!), hoping to make my case that Cleveland is the place for you. Let me highlight some things for you to consider when thinking about Cleveland as your free agent destination.
You are probably worried about not making as much money with Cleveland as you could with your current team, but I have that covered. Yes, I can only officially pay you a max contract that is less than what your current team could pay you. That is true, but remember, I own a casino. I think you will find yourself getting very lucky on any given night there. Wink, wink. (The wink implies that I will actually rig the games so you always win, thus negating any actual "luck.")
Speaking of "luck," though, you may well know that my son, Nick, is a human good luck charm. I mean, the kid is amazing. If he's involved in anything basketball related, it turns to pure gold. Tristan Thompson was virtually useless until we had him rub Nick's head before every game. Now he's pretty good! Anyway, that kid is yours now. You can have him. He will single handedly make you the greatest basketball player ever, probably. I mean, he won me two draft lotteries in three years, and it had almost nothing to do with me paying off Stern...
As for the lottery, that's yours, too. Who do you want us to pick with our first overall draft pick? Your best friend from high school? Your girlfriend's brother? Some homeless guy you've seen around LA (that's directed at you, Dwight!) who you think is kind of funny? We'll do it. I don't care. You choose who we pick.
You may well know that Cleveland has one of the best hospitals in the world right here -- the Cleveland Clinic. We have an amazing partnership with them, and I want to highlight a few of the things they can do for you. I think you will be impressed.
The Cleveland Clinic has developed a cocktail of PEDs that are untraceable on any drug test. You can unfairly advantage your way all the way to the top with these PEDs! They're the bee's knees, if I don't say so myself. I've been taking them for a few weeks now, and I can already bench press three whole crates of puppies I put down earlier in the day (just for laughs, Dwight... that's what we do here... laugh...).
They have also figured out a way to clone people, but manipulate the DNA to make the clone the opposite sex. You can fall in love with a physical version of yourself (a lady version, if you so choose) and never have to waste your time on anyone else other than yourself! Is that wedding bells I hear? No, maybe it's the sound of Santa coming early, bringing you all your Christmas dreams!
Don't worry, if you already have a wife and kids, we can disappear them for you so they won't be in the way of your true love... yourself! Don't worry, it's our pleasure.
You may be worried that people won't love you unconditionally when you leave your perfect, weird home. Worry no longer. I am currently working on a deal to buy both the Browns and the Indians so I can completely dismantle their teams, making the Cavaliers the only thing to do in Cleveland. People will have nothing better to do than to love you.
I have also paid off the rest of the team to publicly apologize to you every time you have a bad game. No matter what you do, it'll be their fault!
As my last gift to you, I know a lot of people think that all Midwestern cities are full of obese people. Not true with Cleveland. I pulled some strings in the city counsel, and being a fatty is now punishable by death in Cleveland. The place is nothing but hotties now. Everywhere you look, it's nothing but beautiful people.
You can see I will stop at nothing to make my team a winner. I'm even going to have to pay a fine for this letter, probably. But you will be worth it (...Dwight...). Together, we can form the greatest basketball team any crooked owner has ever assembled through blatant collusion.