Baron Davis was abducted by aliens: The truth is out there

Jared Wickerham

Baron Davis was abducted by aliens. Here's what happened. While the details are all speculation, we can only choose to believe this is what happened. Personally, I want to believe.

On a recent podcast appearance, former Cleveland Cavaliers point guard Baron Davis told hosts about a recent experience where he believes he was abducted by aliens. While Davis' memory of the incident is hazy, we here at Fear the Sword thought it would be prudent to flesh out Davis' story and provide a glimpse into what may have occurred.

Baron Davis gripped the wheel tighter, his knuckles now bone white, and pushed down the accelerator even further. The wind whipped past his windshield and ruffled violently across his beard, a physical manifestation of the mental turmoil currently playing out in his head. His Cutlass roared to life and cut through the hot, sticky air as he continued to rip through the back country roads of Vermont. Davis called this car Boom Dizzle, a throwback to the days of his prime. A name that usually brought a smile to his face, but not tonight. Not right now. Not in this mental state.

The NBA Free Agency period continued to stretch on. As teams fought and clawed over the remaining scraps still available on the market, Davis' phone lay quiet. Sure, he was getting up there in age and would be coming back from a debilitating knee injury, but there was still gas in his tank. The one thing he wanted most in his life, to be able to call himself an NBA champion, was quickly slipping away. Baron thought back to his youth, those days when he had all the time and athleticism in the world to become a champion, and sighed as he reminisced on how he let it all get away.

As Davis lost himself further and further into his thoughts, the Cutlass gained speed and shot across the country side. Baron was always a fearless man -- how else could he have posterized Andrei Kirilenko? -- but in his distracted state he was becoming reckless. He knew the roads up ahead began to twist and turn, but yet, he didn't care. He didn't know where his life was taking him, whether he'd ever find another place on an NBA team, whether his career was over, what was next. In all this uncertainty, Davis knew one thing. He knew his Cutlass. He knew what she could do.

Baron pressed down the accelerator even harder and felt Boom Dizzle switch gears and lurch forward. This was it, Baron was going to find out where his life was going that evening. Just then, in that moment, a blue column of light shot down from the sky. Baron felt his Cutlass go powerless underneath him, the roar of her engine slowly dying down to a weak whimper. As the car rolled to a stop, the night sky began to illuminate with a pulsing series of red and yellow light. Despite what was going on, Davis found his mind at ease. Calm. Blank. Transfixed up at the pulsating lights which were growing ever nearer, Baron was the most at ease he had been in months.

As a sense of calm washed over him, Baron felt his seat belt unbuckle and slowly slide across his lap. Once freed from the restraint, Baron felt himself being pulled upwards into the lights, slowly realizing he was floating high above the ground. As he got closer to the source of the light, the calmness that had filled Davis quickly left as he realized the lights were actually coming from a large ship hanging in the night sky. A sense of panic washed over Baron, but it was too late. The lights blinded him, filling his vision with nothing but a sea of bright, pulsing colors. And then, nothing.

He felt cold metal upon his skin. Groggy, he tried to move, but found himself restrained. As his eyes adjusted to the over-saturation of light, Davis could see that he was now nude, strapped upon a cold metal table. He felt dozens of eyes darting over his naked body. This was the most vulnerable he had felt since he found himself writhing in agony on the ground, unable to move, under the bright lights of Madison Square Garden. His eyes continued to adjust and that's when he saw them. The shapes. They were short, with slender, inhumanly skinny bodies and large, bulbous heads. They were everywhere, staring at him with their large, dead eyes. The panic began to creep back up as Baron tried to scream, but found himself unable to make a sound. He couldn't move. Nothing. And that's when he heard the sounds.

Clicking. It was rhythmic. Tip. Tap. Tip. Tap. Like the sound of footsteps. Baron moved his eyes and saw a figure, obscured by the blinding lights, slowly walking towards him. It was the clicking of wingtips on the cold, hard floor. As the figure neared, the light glistened off of it's slicked back hair. In an instant, Davis recognized the figure and suddenly everything made so much sense.

Gilbert.

The figure laughed and continued to approach the table. As he drew closer, Baron was able to finally see the figure closely. Dan Gilbert was decked out in a red tuxedo with a bow-tie, the same attire he wore on draft night. A small, forked tongue quickly flicked in and out of Gilbert's mouth and his eyes glowed unnaturally yellow.

"Hello Baron. It's been a while." Gilbert's forked tongue continued to flick in and out of his mouth as he looked Davis up and down. Gilbert turned his head back and remarked "I think this one should do just fine, don't you think?"

"Yes. He will suffice" responded the second figure, the one which Davis was only just now beginning to see clearly. He was much taller and lankier than Gilbert, but wearing the same ridiculous draft night tuxedo. Baron squinted and saw the figure clearly for the first time. It was Machine Gun Kelly, who was, once again, inexplicably hanging out with Dan Gilbert.

Gilbert turned his gaze back to Davis. "You're probably wondering what I'm doing here, aren't you? You're thinking 'What is Dan Gilbert, a shape-shifting Reptilian alien from Alpha Draconis doing here with Machine Gun Kelly, the leader of the Gray aliens from Zeta Reticuli?'" Gilbert laughed maniacally. "Well Baron, you didn't think I would pay you all that amnesty money for nothing, did you?"

"Of course he wouldn't Baron, he works in the home loan industry. That'd be ridiculous" responded MGK with a chuckle. Baron noticed that as he spoke, his mouth didn't move. Telekinesis. "You see, Mr. Davis, me and my brethren have been visiting the earth for quite some time now. We've been studying you all for decades. Researching the enemy. Preparing for the invasion. While we are significantly more technologically advanced and intelligent then you Earthlings, you possess a much greater physical strength and potential than we do. While we've been trying to learn what it is biologically that allows for this, we somehow keep abducting only the fattest of truckers and the drunkest of hillbillies. We've never been able to get our hands on a specimen quite like you before."

Gilbert smiled. Machine Gun Kelly handed Gilbert a briefcase. Gilbert opened the briefcase to see stacks of bitcoins, which actually exist as physical currency for use by intergalactic aliens and looked back at Kelly and nodded. He gaze returned to Davis. "That's right Baron, I sold you out for alien research, all so the Cavaliers could bank another draft pick. I'll be sure to thank Donald Sterling again for agreeing to that deal the next time we Reptilians meet. What's not to like?" And with that, Gilbert cackled, turned his back to Davis and began to walk away.

The small alien figures that had been surrounding the table inched closer to Davis. He felt their clammy, alien hands cover his body as their tests began. Machine Gun Kelly approached Davis, holding onto a long rod with a glowing ball on the end. Kelly put his arm across Davis' chest, pushing down with more weight than Baron thought a being of his considerable gangliness could produce, holding Davis back from resisting. Kelly inserted the rod, glowing ball end first, into Davis' nose and pushed back up into his cranial cavity. The pressure was immense until there was finally a loud CRACK and then blackness.

Davis woke up in his Cutlass, groggy. The sun was beginning to peak up over the horizon. Davis didn't remember how he got there, or anything at all about the previous evening. He looked down at his phone. No missed calls. Still no free agency inquiries. He sighed and started his car.

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