Kyrie Irving's 2015 Free Agency: A Short Play in One Act

Editor's note: This is probably a work a fiction... as far as we know.

We open on Kyrie Irving and Brandon Tierney on the back porch of Kyrie's house in New Jersey. Brandon is drinking heavily to mourn the death of his own ability to reason. Kyrie is visibly upset. He fidgets in his seat, drinking a lemonade brought to him by a robotic butler dog. NBA players have weird, futuristic crap, probably. Kyrie is wearing his Cavs uniform, and Brandon is wearing only an adult diaper.

Kyrie: You put me in a tough spot, Bran-Bran.

"Bran-Bran" is the stupid nickname Kyrie has for Brandon Tierney, who pukes all over himself.

Bran-Bran wipes the throw-up off his mouth.

Bran-Bran: Why you so mad? You said you'd play for the Knicks at your first chance.

Kyrie: But I never said I was going to leave Cleveland. In your drunken stupor, you misunderstood what I was telling you.

Bran-Bran: No, you said you would make the 2014 USA National Team, and then you would team up with all your new beasties in New York.

Kyrie: And I will do that. It's all part of my master plan, but I'm not going to be the first idiot to turn down a max extension coming off my rookie deal. Especially with my injury history. Do you understand anything about how restricted free agency works?

Bran-Bran: Re...stract...ed...what? Speak American!

Kyrie: Nevermind. You are too drunk, again, for me to adequately explain it. Let me show you what I have planned.

Kyrie pulls out a giant black blanket, throws it over himself, and pulls it off after a few seconds. He is no longer dressed in a Cavs uniform. He is now dressed as Uncle Drew, but in a Knicks uniform.

Bran-Bran: Hey! Who are you? Where is Kyrie?

Kyrie: Bran...

Bran-Bran: KYRIE!?!? Where'd you go??? Some old guy broke into your house! KYRRRIE!

Kyrie: Bran-Bran! It's me!

Bran-Bran: ....God?

Kyrie: No! It's Kyrie.

Bran-Bran: But how? Was that some sort of aging blanket?

Kyrie: No, it's a disguise. I've been working with that quick change lady so I can change in between being Kyrie and my "Uncle Drew" persona. I've also been working with Hakeem because it seems like all the cool kids are doing that.

Bran-Bran: I'm more confused than ever! Are you saying you are Kyrie from the future, then?

Kyrie starts to pull off the Uncle Drew disguise slowly.

Kyrie: See, you drunken mess? It isn't real. This disguise is all part of my plan. In the summer of 2015, I am going to sign a max extension with the Cavs as myself -- Kyrie Irving. BUT I am also going to sign a contract with the Knicks as Uncle Drew. That summer, they are going to have loads of cap room to sign a bunch of the new best friends I make playing for Team USA.

Bran-Bran: I feel funny...

Bran-Bran throws-up on himself again, but this time he is too drunk to make even a small attempt at cleaning himself up.

Kyrie: I figure with my injury history, I can fake being injured and go back and forth between the two teams. When they play each other, I can quick change every time the ball changes possession.

Bran-Bran: But what about defense?

Kyrie: Good one, Bran-Bran. I already disappear on defense, so nobody will notice. Everyone will just be watching me handling the ball and getting buckets anyway.

Bran-Bran: What if someone finds you out?

Kyrie: Hahaha. Find me out? This is sports! Even if it becomes obvious I'm cheating the system, everyone will look the other way.

Bran-Bran: Bu...but... why?

Kyrie: Fans don't care about what is right. They want to be entertained. Trust me, they'll force themselves to believe even if it becomes obvious that Uncle Drew and I are the same person.

Bran-Bran passes out, finally, and Kyrie starts to laugh uncontrollably. Insert some clips from "The Usual Suspects" on a screen that has dropped down in the background, but with Kyrie in place of Kevin Spacey. You know, to really hit home that "THEY'RE THE SAME PERSON AND HE'S GETTING AWAY WITH IT" thing.

This is a Fan-Created Comment on The opinion here is not necessarily shared by the editorial staff at FearTheSword

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