GodZeller’s Guide to the 2013/2014 Cleveland Cavaliers

Having previously documented my fateful journey to becoming obsessed with the Cleveland Cavaliers, I have decided to write a preview of the upcoming season based on the few things I know about bounceyball or whatever the hell this sport is. This contains pictures and gifs, so JRow - don't bother.

Everything you read below is 100% factually accurate. Anyone who disagrees with any of the points made below is getting sued so help me god.

Kyrie Irving, PG


Kyrie shows off the secret to his handles

Nicknames: Mr 4th Quarter, Uncle Drew, The Dark Knight, Gandalf The Grey, Merlin, God.

FTS Comparison: Conrad Kazcmarek

Reminds GodZeller of: The face women make when you kiss them on the neck

Reasons to be Cheerful: Cleveland has a population of 400,000. Using some expert polling data (Wikipedia) and some detailed mathematical analysis (me thinking for 5 seconds), lets remove the elderly and children: 250,000. Let’s assume half are women, 125,000

Now, I don’t know what the ratios are like over the pond, but let’s say 1 in 5 are doable in my book. That leaves 25,000. Let’s also presume Kyrie isn’t a desperate scumbag who would try it on with anything that blinks at him, so let’s cut that in half to 12,500. That’s 12,500 Kyrie gushing women in downtown Cleveland. Since June 23 2011, Kyrie Irving has lived here for 820 days and say he’s operating at a very very conservative 5 new conquests every day and night of the damn year, that leaves 4.6 more years of easy girls left to pillage. This is way longer than the earliest possible time he can leave of his own free will in 2016, and I do not view Kyrie as the type to move city before satisfying every woman available, so Hooray!

Note: Then we shall feast my friends, and then we shall feast.

Reasons to Worry: … There’s only 4.6 more years of women left….. I hope to god there’s some hot 17 year olds in Ohio because the city needs you by the time his max extension runs out.

Player described in gif form:


Little known fact: Is better than John Wall

Dion Waiters, SG


I want this T shirt. Mens large please.

Nicknames: Waiters Gon Wait, Freon Waiters, Stop settling for a 20footer you damn fool,

FTS Comparison: connor.foutras

Reminds GodZeller of: Mac from It’s Always Sunny.

Reasons to be Cheerful: Listen guys, we all comment regularly on the most active Cavs fansite around. We all know that Dion’s a workhorse and is probably reading this fanpost this very second (if so, blame Zavac for this) so there’s an off chance that if we say enough nice things he’ll invite the entire FTS crew to one of his infamous Pool Parties/Shroom Festivals/Blood Orgies. I need to see WitMi doing drugs off an unconscious NDK’s body, whilst Angelo sprouts some poetic musings to a befuddled and inebriated JRow.

Oh, and apparently he’s gunna be the best Shooting Guard in the league, so there is that.


Player described in gif form:


Little known fact: Lost all control with his left hand after shaking hands with Stern on draft night. Witnesses describing seeing a Space Jam-esque vortex erupt from the floor have since retracted their statements.

Earl Clark, SF


Yes, this is our new SF.

Nicknames: Eazy E, E5, EC Duz It, The Clark Knight, Clark The Spark (Which I hate)

FTS Comparison: kendaru.geter – The Original Tweener

Reminds GodZeller of: Buying half a year’s car tax just in case you ever buy that sporty number you’ve always wanted

Reasons to be Cheerful: Last year, he guarded all 5 positions throughout the year. What’s that, he can defend? Why yes, yes he can, and when Witmi gets busted for his coke addled ramblings after Dion’s FTS party – he’s gunna need a good lawyer.

He’s also a pretty chill dude by all accounts, and was pretty sought after in college. The more I read, the more I think I’m gunna like this guy…

Reasons to Worry: Ever since missing out on winning $100,000 on the lottery by getting hit by a car, he has had a bad time. Convinced he had to turn his life around to survive, he gave himself over to the power of karma as the first step of a 12-step program to fixing his past misdeed. In order to repent, he made a list of every bad thing and has travelled America solving their problems in an attempt to….. wait.

Wrong Earl.

Player in gif form:


Little known fact: Has a daughter named with the most pointless apostrophe in history – Ke’nya. New FTS game for 2013-2014: Guess the missing letter, because I have no clue.

Tristan Thompson, PF


I'm pretty sure that ain't yo baby, T

Nicknames: TT, T-Squared, TNT, The Anti-Jonas, The Canadian Wilt

FTS Comparison: Justin Rowan

Reminds GodZeller of: The guy in your college class who you always knew you’d be good friends with but never quite found the right moment.

Reasons to be Cheerful: Considering his remarkable shift to shooting right handed this summer, we no doubt have a season of endless one liners based around the possible masturbatory benefits Tristan will also be seeing. In honour of this, I shall be using my left hand all season long in any sexual activity involving myself and/or the Korean girl Swirving’s supposedly hooking me up with.

Reasons to Worry: After constantly apologizing to opponents for nudging them in the paint, the NBA cracks down on niceness and inter-team friendships. The new look rough-house league blows up and becomes the most popular sport in the world overnight. Advertisements change from ‘NBA Cares’ to ‘NBA doesn’t give a f**k about you’, Ricky Rubio changes his name to Razer Rubio, starts chewing a cocktail stick and calling himself ‘The Bad Guy’, Adam Silver gets a face tattoo and starts wearing nothing but Raiders merchandise. Tristan promptly retires and the Cavs fanbase cries a million tears.

Player in gif form:


Little known fact: Won a recent poll entitled ‘Cavs player I would most likely turn gay for’ with 59% of the vote.

Andrew Bynum, C


Bynum cares not for your hair jokes.

Nicknames: Socks, The A-Train, Bynumite, Mountain Drew

FTS Comparison: David Zavac

Reminds GodZeller of: The 10 or so seconds you get at an ATM between typing in your pin code and viewing your bank balance for the first time after a heavy weekend.

Reasons to be Cheerful: Chris Grant makes the blockbuster trade of the summer on deadline day, trading Andrew Bynum’s entourage for a doomed Oscar Pistorius’ bionic legs. Equipped with these new adamantium-toughened weapons, Bynum plays every minute of the season up till Game 7 of the Finals, smashing rebounding and scoring records like they were being dunked on by Dion. Cavaliers win the title, Conrad gets made mayor, and WitMi props up the end of a bar in Columbus telling anyone who’s listening that it was all his idea in the first place.

Reasons To Worry: Chris Grant accidentally trades Bynum’s self-confidence instead, leaving Bynumite to basically become a meek giant with no legs and no swag and refuses to play. The rest of the league isn’t shocked, the Cavs fanbaseis in uproar, Andrew remains indifferent.

Player described in gif form:


Little Known Fact: Youngest player to ever play in an NBA game despite looking like he was 33 for the whole of his career.

Jarrett Jack, 6th Man Extraordinaire


JJ picks the most boring shoe he owns to hold up for a picture.

Nicknames: 2 Jz, Double J, Jack Jarrett, JJ Cool L

FTS Comparison: Ryan Mourton

Reminds GodZeller of: The guy in your office who you aren’t quite sure if he’s gay or not

Reasons to be Cheerful: D’ya know what I like about Jarrett Jack? I like his moustache. It’s one of those features where you just know people have gone up to him and said ‘you can just shave it off you know, it’s no biggie. People can hardly see it anyway’ only to met by a death stare accompanied by the words ‘just leave it’ in a low whisper. It’s the best damn feature on the roster, and yes I am aware of Andy’s hair. He can also ball like a guard, and guard like a ball.

Reasons to Worry: The nation of Ohio (including everyone on the roster) copies his moustache, except Kyrie who sulks because no one gave a crap when he grew out his preteen stubble. Kyrie refuses to play unless he’s traded – and the world laughs at Cleveland because it doesn’t even mind that much as long as JJ’s moustache is still intact. FTS loyals moan, yet still sport the furry upper lip because hivemind.

Player in gif form:


Little known fact: Once got a DUI despite passing a breathalyser test. Good job, police force. Good job.

Anderson Varejao, The Hair Guy


No, you Andy. You.

Nicknames: Wild Thing, Sideshow Bob, Big Brazil, David Luiz’s Idol

FTS Comparison: Alvaro Bazana

Reminds GodZeller of: Getting really drunk and listening to Blink 182

Reasons to be Cheerful: It’s Andy! The life and soul of Cleveland! Oh, and guess what, he’s actually good now. Over the course of the season, we find out that the blood clot wasn’t a blood clot at all – it was in fact Andy’s play hard, die hard spirit imploding on itself to produce a spacetime singularity that goes on to be known as The Varejao Uncertainty. This minute ball of relentless energy makes a long and harmless trip through The Wild Thing’s enormous torso, reaching the brain just in time for the playoffs – where Andy explodes in the first ever 50pt/50rbd game in history. Emeka Okafor can’t believe it, Austin Carr can’t believe it, nobody can believe it.

Reasons to Worry: Andy’s hair gets set alight by the pyro on the first day of the season, and he promptly quits. He states in his retirement speech – ‘The only reason I played basketball was to spread the word of the hair. Without the hair, I have no reason to play the game’. His number is retired anyway, just ‘coz.

Player in gif form:


Little known fact: Once volunteered as a translator for two random Portugeezers who got lost in an airport. Imagine how they were feeling when a 6ft 11 manbeast guided them round a Miami airport scowling at the natives. That is why Andy is the GOAT.

Anthony Bennett, Eater of Worlds


What you talking about fat?

Nicknames: Thor, The Crooner, Poppa Canada, The Kraken

FTS Comparison: j_rhodes

Reminds GodZeller of: Being a captain in a school PE lesson and picking your best friend first because fuhk the system mannn.

Reasons to be Cheerful: He’s big, he’s a stud and dunks the ball hard. I personally am going to look forward to the mindblowing YouTube compilation video of Bennett spinning all over a rainbow of paint and breaking backboards for fun. I am also looking forward to a motley compilation of gifs from the FTS photoshop community showing Bennett self combusting or blowing houses up or eating a baby whole or crushing the world in his palm or wearing a magenta sweater or banging Emma Watson or swagging out or something. We have a big dunker on our team people, get to work.

Reasons to Worry: Hi, my name is Nerlens Noel and I’m a genetic freakazoid who guards the paint with a rage you’ve never even heard of before. I dropped a long way in the draft because you fuhkers didn’t think I was good enough and scared everyone else away. Have you seen my hair? Lock your doors children, lock your doors.

Player in gif form:


Little known fact: His name is no coincidence. Mama Bennett is quoted as saying "It was only the day after the birth that I found out I had been groaning in a pitch perfect B flat the whole time. I had to name him after Tony Bennett after that".

Alonzo Gee, The D and Sometimes 3 Guy


Hover hand! That's a hover hand!

Nicknames: G33, 3G, G3, 33G, 3G3, GG3, ‘Lonzo

FTS Comparison: clevyxc

Reminds GodZeller of: That spare pair of headphones you keep around despite one ear not working and the other ear being crackly as hell.

Reasons to be Cheerful: This is the year Gee’s been waiting for. After being forced to actually play starting 5 basketball for the past 2/3 seasons, this year he finally (hopefully) gets a break and the time to pursue his real passion – gardening. Yes, Alonzo Greenfingers is a hell of a horticulturalist. While a young Kyrie Irving spent his youth spinning a ball off a dented backboard, Gee spent his time gazing up at the Florida palm trees, wondering how the hell they got their soil pH levels right. Expect a ‘Flower Night’ at the Q this year and look out for the FSO spin off – Planting Trees with The Gees.

Reasons to Worry: Given our new coach’s penchant for Defence, Mike Brown falls head over heels in love with Mr Solid D after he shuts down The Truth on Opening Day. Cut forward 6 months – Gee’s averaging 35 mpg, Cavs have crashed to 10th in the division and we’ve all hung ourselves from the rafters in a scene reminiscent of Aokigahara. The nation mourns… for 2 days.

Player in Gif Form:


Little Known Fact: Isn’t even that bad.

C.J Miles, The Underrated Guy


'You didn't put Cavs in when you google searched 'CJ Miles' did you?'

Nicknames: Mas Fresco, 3J, MJ Ciles, Veteran Swingman

FTS Comparison: MatthewH

Reminds GodZeller of: Microsoft Excel

Reasons to be Cheerful: CJ may actually do the Troy and Abed shake this year. Seriously guys, this may happen. For those of you who don’t remember:




Yes, CJ is FTS’ favourite (definitely not because he’s the most accessible) bench guy. We love him, so we presume he loves us. Picture the scene. CJ brings the ball over half court, dumps it off to Andy who screens the trailing runner only to drive and return the ball to an awaiting 3J who drains it.....


....Now lets play defence.

Reasons To Worry: He gets sick of us hammering his twitter all day and night and shuts it down. After remarking how much fresher his life is without social media, the roster follows suit – forcing us to actually research news in detail instead of just typing #cavs into twitter. First world problems.

Player in gif form:


Little known fact: Is the front runner to replace Boobie as the Cleveland pregame dapmaster. I like this choice.

Tyler Zeller , The Tall White Guy


Fear me.

Nicknames: Zeller, Heller, Under My Umbereller, Eller, Eller, Ey Ey Ey.

FTS Comparison: Aviate

Reminds GodZeller Of: If Voldermort had a baby with Willem Defoe.

Reasons to be Cheerful: Say it loud enough – HE’S OUR THIRD OPTION AT CENTRE. Other league third option centres include: Anthony Tolliver, Bernard James, Timofey Mozgov, Josh Harrellson, Donatas Motiejunas, Ian Mahinmi, Robert Sacre, Ryan Hollins, Joel Anthony, Ekpe Udoh, Chris Johnson, Jeff Withey, Daniel Orton, Kwame Brown, Miles Plumlee and Andris Biedrins. Feel good? It should feel good.

Also, I’m named after him. So there’s that.

Reasons to Worry: Zellerism is a cult forged in the depths of California, and they have 2 mottos – Only procreate with other Zellerists, and be tall. Unfortunately, a historical caveat of the cult could cause Cavs fans to worry this year. At an Archery meet in 1628, it was reported that 5 brothers of the Zeller clan all achieved perfect scores, forcing the winner to be undecided. The royal family of the time declared this to be obviously the result of witchcraft, and sentenced the 5 Zeller brothers to death by drowning. Tyler’s ancestor, Vincenzo Zeller (1598-1628), was among the deceased. Chief Zealot Of Zellerdom Arthur Zeller then ruled there to be a set amount of Zeller power allowed in one sports league at any given time – and seeing as Cody has entered the NBA this year, expect Tyler’s numbers to approximately halve. Just wait till Luke enters.

Player in gif form:


Little known fact: I only joined FTS because of Tyler, so blame him.

Sergey Karasev, Kid Russia


'This cap would look better in fur'

Nicknames: Не имею представления

FTS Comparison; Kyrie_Swirving

Reminds GodZeller of: A refreshing pint of cider after work on a Friday

Reasons to be Cheerful: After breaking Steph Curry’s 3 point record in the space of 2 months, Karasev is deemed the best Russian export since Tetris. Russian fever sweeps the nation, Sergey gets the nickname ‘The Tsar’, everyone turns up in Ushankas and cracks ‘In Soviet Russia…’ jokes all day and night, his dad comes over and coaches for us and we nine-peat until Sergey dies because Gods can only live amongst mortals for so long….

Ok, I’m getting carried away – eight-peat.

Reasons to Worry: See the size of Sergeys cap on Draft Day? I was looking at that thinking – ‘Ya know what, I bet Putin’s stuck some form of biodegradable weapon in there’. Then I started thinking about it. His dad’s a national team coach… he’s been to the Kremlin…. What if this is all some elaborate plot to murder the city of Cleveland? What if Sergey is actually a bomb with a remote trigger – say if he shoots

I knew I spent too much time speaking to Americans.

Player in gif form:


Little Known Fact: Is Russian

Carrick Felix, Some Guy From Some Place.


'I can hear the sound of my future dunks in this ball'

Nicknames: Farrick Celix, Double Twisted Helix, I’ve seen this guy play once-ix

FTS Comparison: Angelo Benedetti.

Reminds GodZeller Of: Someone telling you that their sister’s best friend’s mother’s cousin is pregnant

Reasons to be Cheerful: He’s everything you want a ‘last man’ to be – he’s young, he’s cool, he skates, and he’s quite funny. Oh and he’s decent at ball as well. I’m hoping he injects some skate culture into the roster, and we see the team sponsored by Etnies or whatever. To be honest, look at the guys face – that’s a reason to be cheerful if any. I expect happiness to flow through him into everyone else, and this team leaves happily ever after in a land of bunny rabbits and rainbows. Oh wait, is that Andrew Bynum….

Reasons to Worry: There is no reason to worry man. God, chill out bro.

Player in gif form:


Little known fact: Traded a quarter ounce of high grade with Nick Gilbert for a roster spot.

So there you have it folks, your 2013-2014 Cleveland Cavaliers! May the season be long and prosperous, and may all my predictions come true.

This is a Fan-Created Comment on The opinion here is not necessarily shared by the editorial staff at FearTheSword

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