I have once again obtained (through questionable means) a letter from THE Dan Gilbert to Chris Grant, addressing the current situation with the Cavs. I wasn't sure whether I should share this or not as it is a clear violation of his privacy and clear evidence of my own illegal activity. I don't care about being arrested for wire taps and identity theft, though. You fans deserve to hear what Gilbert has to say about the team you love so dearly.
My Dearest Chris Grant,
I totally just called all the season ticket holders "fartknockers" at the season ticket holders meeting. I don't even know what it means, but it sounds funny, right? Maybe I'll rename "Loudville" into "Fartknockerville." Get your team of analysts on that one. I bet it's a huge selling point.
But fartknockers (hahahaha!) is not why I'm writing you today, Granty. I'm really concerned about the state of the team. It's nothing you've done -- all of your moves have been great so far. Perfect, in fact. When I told you before the season started that I wanted to appear to be trying for the playoffs while still actually tanking, you put together a roster of misfits so incompatible, I couldn't have dreamed of a better scenario.
Your Mike Brown signing was perfect. We got to say we would be a defense-first squad while everyone forgot how terrible this guy is at developing young talent. You know -- our whole roster! We bought so many months of fan appreciation by letting Mike Brown talk to the press about a defensive philosophy he would never be able to relate to our young players.
Earl Clark and Jarrett Jack? I almost crapped myself with laughter during their press conferences. It was genius of you to pick guys from the Western Conference that almost none of our fans have seen play. I bet they were all checking their season stats, thinking they could make a difference. Because boxscore stats totally tell the whole picture (hahaha!).
But the most genius move you made was Andrew Bynum. I don't know how you convinced him to be as big of a locker room cancer as he was, but he was worth every penny of that guaranteed $6 million. Remember that time he came to see us and said he felt "bad" about ruining the team chemistry so much? How he wanted to "stop" before he made Anthony Bennett "lose it completely"? It was so hilarious how we bent over and made farting noises in his direction until he left crying. Classic!
You've done good work so far, but I need just a few more trades like the Luol Deng trade. Let's get another useful veteran all-star and then misuse him completely. I know this may be overreaching, but is there any way we can trade for and then ruin Kevin Durant? Give me a list of your thoughts on that, Grantypoo.
Remember, we need to keep renewing and then subsequently ruining this fanbase's hopes while not ever improving significantly. I can't wait to see who you draft with our top six pick this summer. You always surprise me! It's like I'm playing the slot machines at my own casino! Only I don't get the money when I lose! Or something! It's great!!!
Keep up the good work. We are so much smarter than everyone else.
P.S. What do you think of me calling the fans "dookiesniffers" from now on?