Disclaimer: The following was written with absolute no real knowledge of basketball whatsoever
Soooo… this wasn’t how we expected to start the year huh? 2-15 on the road and barely scraping .500 at home giving an overall record of 11-23, good for a solid 13th in the worst Eastern Conference in living memory. Oh well, at least we aren’t the Nets. Oh wait, they just beat us.
Yes, The 2013-2014 season has started more with a whimper than a bang and despite the FTS community living strong as one nation under Conrad, this hellishly young team has had more backstage gossip than the green room at a Bieber concert. So GZ, what do these fledgling Wine & Gold warriors have to do in this New Year in order to stop us all from joining www.bleachdrinkingforbeginners.wordpress.com? Let's find out.
(aka The Messiah)
- Pass the ball more, pretty please.
I know you have magical hands worthy of only the Elder Wand, but there are 4 other guys who may/may not have played basketball on your team also. Not only would this mean everyone shuts up with this omfgnotatruepg hilarity, but it could also show your teammates that you actually believe this team could go somewhere as a group. Even LeBron learned how to pass.
- Keep piling on those pounds.
It’s time to go all 50 Cent on that ass and get those abs tight sonnn. We all know you move as gracefully as a solitary blade of grass twisting in the wind, but this league benefits strength more than quickness. If you have both, well, just look at the MVP ballot. He’s looking far more physical already this year, keep up the hard work – it will be worth it in the long run.
Show everyone that you enjoy basketball, you obviously do based on your commercials and general cheeky chappy demeanour. A smile on court, a bit of praise here and there, the odd OHEBALLIN and BOOM! Suddenly you are a 45 win team with the Title in sight! Ok, maybe not, but it would sure cheer up Zavac.
- GO PARTY WITH LEBRON.
Tristan, if you are not gonna show any reasonable signs of progression, you’re gonna have to singlehandedly recruit us LeBron. I vote you to skip the last 20 games of the season, move to Miami, set up a hip new club/accompany him to the ESPYs/give Gloria the Delonte treatment/go to his wifeswapping club – whatever it takes. I smell a 4/44 in it if you do……
- Learn how to jump and hit the ball at the same time.
Halving your block/game whilst averaging the same amount of attempts as your point guard is simply not a good look for you. If you are ever gonna advance from the Terrence Jones, Amir Johnson, Markieff Morris PF Wastelands, you’re gonna have to do a lot more than simply be a cute cuddly panda bear or switch which hand you take your free throws with. Our coach likes Defense, why don’t we start there?
- Please, for the love of god, learn how to dunk with one hand
This means I will be able to sleep.
- Keep Calm and love Kyrie Irving.
Who really knows (and who really gaf) what happened in that players only meeting? One thing I know is that right now, these are the best 2 guards on the team and they can’t play in the same line-up together without Hades rising and swallowing the world and all it’s inhabitants (or whatever the media says). Well, it’s certainly not ideal, and seeing as I’m English and had to sit through Lampard/Gerrard for 10 years, I’m experienced in playing top talents who have no chemistry. I’d quite like this to change, and unfortunately Kyrie is better than you so it looks like you’re gonna have to a lot of the work. Unnnnnnnlucky.
- Get in more fights.
Never thought I’d ever actually mean this seriously. The one thing I will say I agree with 100% is that this team has absolutely no personality on the court. Maybe it’s the inexperience, maybe it’s the change in coach, maybe they just don’t like each other – but right now it shows off the screen. Our most charismatic player is an undrafted rookie. Put it right Dion, and keep fighting for your brothers. Let’s get some unity going out there, let the other team know we aren’t just some weak, softhearted cavalcade of misfits.
- Don’t be afraid to take control.
I swear to god, if Dion does that shitty one dribble crossover on the spot before hoisting a 19 footer one more time, I’m gunna fly to Cleveland and…probably do nothing because he’s a scary bastard. Even so, Dion is a big chap. He’s a match for most SG’s in the league, he can take a drive, he can go through screens, he just…doesn’t anymore for some reason. I have completely turned around in my opinion on Dion based over the last 10 or so games, but there’s still a lot of work to be done
(Aka Droopy the Dog)
- Stop. Shooting. 3. Pointers.
Is there anything more frustrating than a Bennett statline of 0/5, 0/3 from 3 point range? If I were Coach Brown, I’d bench him every time he attempted one (wait, isn’t he already doing that? Never mind). You need some easy baskets rook! The putback last night was exceptionally exciting, did you not hear that crowd? Get some people on the block and show ‘em how you ball, because the 3 ball just ain’t working for you sunshine.
- Stop wetting yourself and concentrate.
I understand this is far, far, far, far easier to say sitting behind an Ikea desk somewhere in England, but it still seems like solid advice. Life isn’t that bad son, you’re earning multi-millions playing a cool sport, are genetically more polite and intelligent than your American counterparts, plus you’re 6ft 8 and 250lb – you can beat the crap out of anyone who slights you. Just focus for the 10 minutes you are on the court. That’s all I ask.
- Stop using your dunk diary for your shopping list.
I demand dunks in 2014. That’s all you need to know.
(Aka That Russian Guy Who Doesn’t Play)
- Give Mike Brown 1 million rubles (or $30k) in a black bag.
That way, you may actually get some decent minutes and we’ll finally get to know if you truly are our saviour or just a very naughty boy. You’ve already won our hearts by simply being Russian, why not win our heads as well?
- Make the SF spot your own.
Even if we do get someone in before the trade deadline, that backup spot is still wide wide open. There’s a good 20 minute opportunity in there for you whenever you want it Sergey, which is more than any other rookie we have is getting. A 3 point assassin (Nikolai Orelov anybody?) from the wing is exactly what we are crying out for, it makes too much sense not to do it at some point.
Seriously, this is a big year for our favourite Russian doll. It cannot be easy for a young kid to switch continents leaving his friends, family and hot Russian piece behind. Spend the time getting used to such Cleveland landmarks as Lake Erie, the Cleveland Clinic and Conrad’s Tyre Express and Total Car Care, so you are ready to start when LeBron tells us to go and do one again.
(Aka Mr Potatnomorepleasegodnomore)
- Grow some hair.
I have had it with the Mr Potatohead jokes. Seriously, put a sock in it one and all.
- DRAW BETTER PLAYS.
Jarrett Jack, I’m looking at you. Isn’t this a basic part of coaching a basketball team? The simple skill of designing a players’ movement to create a better shot? I’ve never seen a team try and run so few plays, yet screw up every play they try and run anyway. It’s boggling.
- Forget the suit.
Let’s get some proper coachey tracksuits and whistles on the bench. If they are gonna play like a load of high school rejects, treat ‘em like a bunch of high school rejects. I fully stand by any decision that leads to Bernie Bickerstaff forcing Dion to do 2 laps of the arena, Jim Boylan telling Tristan to do 10 burpies for not boxing out, and Kokoskov hitting Sergey with a wrench because he has a zit.
Anymore for anymore? I tried to do Jack but couldn't keep it to 3 things. Just for fun, I'm going to add mine in below
(aka No Sold)
Use Twitter more
It's a very useful tool for me to keep up with the NBA, and by jove, I think I'm getting the hang of it coughcough @SergioNashquets coughcough
Murder one of you chumps at NBA 2K14
I've just got a PS4, and let me tell you I am hopeless at this game. Hopeless. Feel free to challenge me anytime, I will get beaten.
Do more pressups
They make you big and strong and look cool in front of girls.
Happy New Year FTS, keep drinking away the pain