FanPost

Poor Chris

You’re famished. Poor guy, you haven’t eaten a decent meal in four years. Once upon a time things were different. The cupboards were never this barren and your hunger was never this severe. Although, by now you’ve pushed far past that hunger into the odd indifference that lies somewhere beyond the crippling stomach pains. Four years of leftovers have taught you to truly appreciate the filets and porterhouses you once took for granted. If only you could sink your teeth into one of those now. Just once. Just one bite.

There’s Chris. Poor guy, he tried to feed you as best he could. It’s always been tough to judge his cooking, as he’s never had the arsenal of ingredients that the previous chef had. While he hasn’t always used the family budget wisely, somehow he’s managed to scrape together a meal every night. Running down his history of meals, it’s hard to gauge his culinary acumen, but you figure you’d try.

The first thing that comes to mind is his first day on the job. Despite the disarray of the kitchen, left in the wake of the exodus of the previous cooking staff, he managed to trade what was left of your thanksgiving turkey for a bushel of the neighbor’s oysters. The oysters themselves weren’t overly delicious, but the pearl that was found was able to finance the poultry, which became the kitchen staple for the next several years. You always liked Chris for that, so did Boss Man Dan.

However, despite your early liking for Chris, you always questioned his choice in side dishes. Mashed potatoes and corn are excellent sides, but somehow they never paired well with the main course. If only you could have a salad every once in a while, maybe the meal would suddenly come together.

Of course there was the next year. That’s when you really began to doubt your chef. After watching the three customers in front of you at the grocery store take what was left of the holiday hams, Chris was faced with the choice between turkey and ribs. Despite your advice, everyone’s advice, he went with the turkey, knowing full well that poultry was the only thing you’d had for the better part of a year. Would a little variety kill the guy?

The turkey and the chicken didn’t pair well. Not one bit. For the first year, it was a rarity to see them on the plate at the same time. The few times Chris did manage to pair them, one of the two would always be dry. If only you could have that damn salad.

Despite his piss poor cooking, he managed to get to the front of the grocery line again. This time however, everything at the store seemed to be a bit past date. Ultimately, he brought home a bushel of veggies, but was the laughing stock of the neighborhood when the veggies publically went up in flames at his 4th of July cookout. To make things even worse, the turkey and the chicken still didn’t go together.

Halfway through the cookout, Boss Man Dan pulled Chris aside and showed him the door. It was terribly awkward. To fire a chef is one thing, but to fire a chef in the middle of a cookout is another. The look on Chris’s face on his way out is one you’ll never forget.

Dave took over as grill master. The food certainly got better, and while the neighbors all seemed to be praising Dave’s cooking, you found yourself silently wondering how much credit Dave truly deserved.

Since last year’s cookout, things have been looking up for you. Dave managed to take the money that Chris had set aside and put it towards a variety of decent dishes. After wiggling his way to the front of the grocery line again, Dave has agreed to trade your recently purchased holiday ham to the Saunders family across the street for a beautiful gorgonzola and spinach salad. If it tastes anything like it looks, it will be the best salad you’ve ever had. On top of that, James just came back from the store with his signature filet. This year’s cookout is going to be incredible. While all the neighbors rave about the coming meal, you silently think to yourself "Poor Chris, he wasn’t invited."

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