[Possibility of spoilers for anyone who has been living under a rock like some hermit pariah, is some form of hipster stoner who doesn’t believe in popular culture or anyone who doesn’t own cable or a working internet connection (but then how are you reading this article… the mind, it boggles)]
So Dion Waiters and Kyrie Irving now hate each other. Apparently Dion told Kyrie that his prepubescent abomination of a beard makes him look like a scumbag or something. Clearly, this is all a conspiracy of utter heinous lies, despite some random player from a different sport playing for the only sports team more dysfunctional than the Cavs feeling the urge to stick his nose in where it doesn’t belong. Either way, seeing as the national media seems to rejoice in casting our lovable scamps in some faux-sitcom-slash-teen-angst-drama, I got to thinking. What if they fulfilled roles on some of the other major shows I’ve enjoyed in my 24 years of life?
Kyrie Irving and Dion Waiters star in….
Flawed genius who can do something nobody else can do, yet isn’t being paid what he’s worth and wants to change it? Check. Tough talking perennial accomplice who, despite his best efforts, cannot replicate the product created by his more talented partner? Check. Cast Anderson Varejao as a broody yet essential Skylar looking after the completely oblivious Walter Jr. (or Sergey Karasev), stick Dellavedova in Saul Goodman’s chair as chief facilitator, and let Tristan play the lovable-yet-misunderstood Gale and that’s some ratings right thurr.
Tristan wasn't worried until he realised Dion was shooting with his right hand
Now, I’m not saying Dion is a crystal meth addict, but if ever there was a man to play Aaron Paul, it’s Mr Waiters. Whenever Walt is out of action or seems to lose his way, who’s there to pick up the pieces? Jesse Pinkman. When Kyrie’s bust his biceps or isn’t feeling rock-steady, who steps up and delivers the points? Exactly. Plus you wouldn’t want to be stuck in an SUV in the middle of the desert with Dion, that’s for certain.
Enter Gus Fring, or in this case, Josh Gordon, and suddenly all hell breaks loose. They like each other, they hate each other, they fight each other, they fight for each other. For the most part though, they play along as the best of friends, cooking up their drugs, scheming and plotting, all while making a ton of cash – but you know it’s just a matter of time before Jesse gets a bullet to the brain courtesy of Walt.
I'm not sure if Josh Gordon likes fried chicken, but he could certainly do with some meth
.. the big question is, can Walt go through this and still survive on the other end? I bloody hope so. I also see Brian Windhorst as Hector Salamanca. You think he’s perfectly harmless until he blows the damn roof off.
Kyrie and Dion star in….
Friday Night Fights
I was having fun writing this until I realised Mike Brown is just not Coach Taylor, and I immediately sank into a dark, despondent hole of misery and Famous Grouse. If anyone can whip a bunch of misfit, overly confident youngsters into shape, it’s Kyle Chandler’s portrayal of the world’s most perfect man, husband, coach and lover. Plus his daughter is gorgeous, move over Allie Clifton.
Smash Williams is Kyrie all over. Child prodigy turned collegiate superstar with one of those egos that isn’t an ego ego but it’s an ego nonetheless. Opting for the quickest route to the NFL as opposed to the best fit for him as a player, Smash beefs up considerably only to suffer from blown-out-of-proportion media controversy that eventually hampers his career. This is eerily familiar. I would have added that he’s obviously only entertaining us for the most irrelevant part of his career, but I’m not that guy, and Kyrie isn’t going anywhere.
Dion? Dion is Matt Saracen. I know I know, you must be kidding. However, I see the Saracen-Landry relationship as Dion-Delly in a nutshell. They just seem to work. Matt, like Dion, is a hard working back-up who knows what it’s like to fight for a starting job, a guy who changed his role to slot into the team better, and is sleeping with the coaches daughter – wait, maybe not the last one. Landry, like Delly, is weird. Also, read this plot summary:
Matt believes that Smash, now a heavily-recruited senior, no longer cares about the team and cares only about himself and his college prospects. The two get into a fight after a game and continue fighting until Coach Taylor benches them until they can get their act together. They quickly realize they're fighting for nothing and become friends again.
Coach, he... he said.... he said he didn't know Josh Gordon was an active player for the Browns.....
Other notable castings included Spencer Hawes as beer-swilling redneck Tim Riggins, Jarrett Jack as that other guy Voodoo Tatum, and the obvious Dan Gilbert as money man and overall Dillon Panthers luminary Buddy Garrity. Come on, just look.
Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Probably Lose.
Kyrie and Dion star in….
The (Front) Office
I like to think of Pam Beasley as Tristan Thompson, comfortably plump but has that element of hotness which makes you think about spending every night curled up in her bosom, so it stands to reason that Jim is Kyrie. I’m not entirely comfortable with this, because Jim is genuinely funny and I’d imagine Kyrie is genuinely not, but this makes too much sense from a buddy ball perspective. The pair relentless slash and burn a hapless Dwight Schrute, making him look foolish in front of his peers yet not really progressing much in their own careers. Meanwhile, Dwight becomes the Baron of Beets, The Hay King, is the best salesman in the place and is relentless in his pursuit of higher standing - a bit like that chippy 2 guard from Philly who’s getting all the props right now.
Dion enjoying his Bobblehead night
However, unlike Kyrie and Dion, Dwight and Jim have the love/hate thing down to a fine art. To get serious for a sec, I expect this relationship to really hit off this summer. I know there’s this perceived huge personality clash, but I’m a firm believer in everybody can get along with everybody, especially if they are successful. Ego is a tricky thing to negotiate, especially in lieu of someone else’s ego, but professional athletes get to the level they are at by sacrifice and hard work. Neither of these guys are strangers to either, and a bit of self-image sacrifice and combined hard work would probably help this team win 15 more games next year. That’s the difference between 10 articles panning you and your development and 10 articles praising the adjustments you’ve made to take a leap to the next level. Winning cures all wounds.
That felt horrible. Back to whimsy. Where were we? The Office. Of course.
To be fair, the whole team is right there. Anderson Varejao is Andy Barnard (you can tell he loves his brightly coloured chinos and is a big fan of musical theatre), Kevin is clearly Anthony Bennett if Anthony Bennett could drum [insert KFC buckets/drumstick joke here], Tyler Zeller is Meredith Palmer because he’s probably over promiscuous given his looks, Luol Deng is Stanley and Alonzo Gee is Toby Flenderson. All of this overseen by Michael Scott, who steadfastly stands by all his employees as if they were his own family, a true Chris Grant figure if ever I’ve seen one. Catch ya on the flippety flip, CG.
Also, it’s bad, but Scranton is directly comparable to Cleveland in terms of Free Agent draw. Oh, and Josh Gordon is Gabe, because I hate him and I still don’t know what his job is.
I had other ideas, such as The Soap-ranos featuring Andy V as the not-hot psychologist, Prison Break (My Heart) starring Jarrett Jack as Sucre and Bosh-t starring LeBron James as Charles Widmore and Delly as Claire. I’ll leave you to think about these in more detail, suffice to say that Hurley is the easiest casting choice on the entire planet.
Anyways, here’s to next season and more half-arsed drama from our beloved press. Just remember – it’s all smoke and mirrors and none have us actually have a bloody clue what’s going. The best approach? Treat it all as light-hearted gossip. If something bad happens, well, just chill out and read FTS. That’s pretty much all I do anyway.