The Beginners Guide To FTS

For reasons that remain unknown to me (I still have no answer to my endless "Who the hell is LeBron James questions"), it appears to me that we have a sudden influx of new members. Personally, I put the blame solely at Conrad Kaczmarek’s door, but that’s an argument for another thread.

First of all, I’d like to officially welcome you all into the clandestine thought fortress that is Fear The Sword, be it lurker or nub. Growing the member/fan base is always a good thing, no matter how you look at it. You’re just as important as anyone, especially seeing as we all write and comment out of sheer fun and enjoyment, so join in as much as possible.

However, as with membership to any site, we have a certain list of unspeakable rules. These have been handed down from member to member, in the form of hushed words and concealed notes, from DM’s to PM’s to DT’s to Tags. I have decided to lay out as many as I can remember, but if you forget any I’m sure xfl will correct you in a polite and well structured manner.

Do Not Use Subject Lines

I see you nub, I see you chuckling, thinking ‘oh come on, what’s the harm in that’. Let me tell you a tale.

In its burgeoning years, FTS was not only a conduit for Cleveland Cavaliers talk, it was also used as the primary communication device for Presidents and informants alike. Scattered amongst the conversation about the merits of Bingo Smith and Lenny Wilkens were coded nuggets passed from the White House to its nefarious contacts alike, hidden as backhanded shots on Cleveland and/or misuse of the various guises of ‘they’re’. In early 1973, FTS member Nix4Knicks posted a mysterious message –


lol @ Cavs, nothing but a nothing city with no titles. Must be Democrats

After the tirade of ire and pure distaste that was thrown upon poor Nix4Knicks for his horrendous spelling and, most importantly, his eyesore of a needless bolded black font, he had to retaliate:


hyuhhyuhyuh you guys make me laugh, I bugged hotel rooms and broke into the DNC, think I care what you internet warriors think

This captured the intrigue of a pre-fetal Conrad, who subsequently IP-checked the blighter’s account to find the trail led to one address – 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Incredulous, Conrad handed over the comment records to the District Attourney, and next thing you know, President Nixon was gone.

We don’t want another Watergate guys, don’t use subject lines.



Greek playwright Sophocles once wrote –

"Isn't it the sweetest mockery to mock our enemies?"

Sophocles was wrong. The sweetest mockery comes from the dry enjoyment one gets from throwing a cheeky one line mocktopia onto a friend caught unawares, and nobody does this better than OPace. You may see him lurking in the comment sections late at night, waiting, hoping, pleading that the time may come to slap some down with a verbal wet fish. You are never truly a member of FTS, or the human race for that matter, until you have been OPace’d. Just pray that it’s soft.

Don’t .gif in a Gamethread

This rule is one that is often laid by the wayside, but our gamethreads usually top 1000 comments and it’s just common sense as much as anything. If you’re firing up Windows 98 on a battered old Dell laptop whilst simultaneously streaming live and direct from the first row, well, let’s just say it’s not easy. The odd Dion dance or Brandon Knight crossover I can understand, but reaction gifs are a no no and I will forever pour scorn upon your soul.


WitMi is the Miley Cyrus of FTS. He may let you down, he may go off the rails and say/do something which blows your mind, but at the end of the day, you’d still bang – do not deny it.

Be it Jonas Valanciunas or Paul George, the man has a way of framing the future as a definite, but the tactics do pay off (witness LeBron) and the vindication is sweet to measure. WitMi has been parlay to some of the greatest debates in FTS history, and if you come out unscathed, well, you have a future kid. Just don’t get drawn in on a semantics debate, you will lose and it won’t be good. Actually, speaking of great debates..

Emma vs Mila: You Decide

(I’ll just copy this from my fanpost)

Blue Corner: Emma Watson

Height: 1.65m, suck on my metric system America.

Ability to produce mini GodZeller’s that will one day play PG for the Cavs, start up front for England and win the Nobel Prize for Physics: 99/100. The parental combination of stunning beauty, intelligence, modesty and grace and Emma Watson is going to be more than enough.
Comparisons: A baby angel plucking a harp, a newborn kitten softly playing with a ball of string, the morning sun bouncing off a freshly mown meadow, the smell of freshly baked bread, the giggle of a new born baby, Tristan Thompson’s hook shot….

Predicted # of previous sexual partners: Viktor Krum and Ron Weasley. I like to think of her as unsullied by the hands of mere mortal men however.
FHM Top 100 Sexiest Women rankings: 98th, 33rd, 47th, 29th, 23rd. Most recent ranking - 64th.
Interests & Hobbies: Overcame horrendous racial abuse to become the greatest prospect of the 2007 Hogwarts Draft, House-elf rights activist, has been known to bend time to her will, member of the Slug Club, cofounder of Dumbledore’s Army, passed her Apparation test first time and didn’t even brag, popped a cap in that hack Rita Skeeters ass for being an Animagus…

... oh and she's pretty good at acting.

Attainability: The epitome of girl next door, Emma went to Brown University.... Cleveland have an NFL team called the Browns.... that tenuous link means everyone in Cleveland has a shot!
Notable FTS Backers: clevyxc, Kyrie From Downtown! , anyone with any form of taste..

Red Corner: Mila Kunis

Height: 1.63m of fiery temptress

Ability to produce mini GodZeller’s that will one day play PG for the Cavs, start up front for England and win the Nobel Prize for Physics: 35/100, no offence Mila but you don't see the type to know wither the offside rule or Dirac's equation of quantum relativistic motion. I bet your ball handling is superb though.

Comparisons: The throaty bellow of a Ferrari Testarossa, the feeling you get at the ending of Inception, the twinge in your groin when you watch a ladies tennis match, hitting a half court shot in front of all of your friends, a coke fueled blood orgy spanning 3 days with nothing but your mental spirit to see you through, a Kyrie dagger 3...

Predicted # of previous sexual partners: Well, she had sex with Macauley Culkin so I'd have to guess 110-120 ish..
FHM Top 100 Sexiest Women rankings: 9th. Most recent ranking - 1st.

Interests & Hobbies: Massive fan of World of Warcraft and claims to have 3 separate accounts, was the voice of Meg in Family guy so I'm guessing she's into being bossed around, loves taking cute innocent ballerinas and sending them careering off the rails.

Attainability: Claims to lead a very normal life, yet exclusively dates filmstars and is currently taken. It's not looking good guys.... Ashton Kutcher you handsome bastard.

Notable FTS Backers: Kentaru, OPace, Natalie Portman (she's definitely lurking somewhere...)

New Member of FTS, the choice is yours. The New Diana, or the Woman that killed the Old Diana (allegedly, no, ok then no)

Don't Wear Magenta on a Date

Without going into too much detail, a certain writer chose a certain coloured sweater on a certain date with a certain young female. This certain coloured sweater was up there with the ugliest things I've ever seen on a human being, let alone a man I respect. Pick something less offensive, like a Nazi uniform or a muscle vest.

Kyrie Irving is not going to the Lakers anytime soon

You would be shocked how many times we’ve had to deal with this. 7th pick for Kyrie? Aye, nailed on fellas. Keep it coming. Do not engage.

The Wall of XFL

Posting long replies to xfl2001fan is a recipe for disaster, but that’s not to say it’s unadvisable. However, be prepared to be cut up, spliced into manageable quotables, before being systematically torn down to your fundamental roots of being. It’s a nifty trick, and the wall grows ever stronger as victims fall at its feet:


The Wall is not impenetrable, but it sure is daunting and you will be worn down. Just remember guys and dolls, every wall is a door.

Pro Tip: Make the boys job easier by writing

Your responses

Like this

In order to

Make quoting easier.

Burning Jerseys and Miami Fans

Yeah, I’m very pro nub/bandwagonner, but if you come here spouting nonsense about how you used to be a Miami fan till LeBron’s return, you are not going to fare well. This is just me looking out for you. Consider me your Irv Blitzer, I’m on your side guys, but if it's true - do yourself a favour and don't mention it.

On that note, about 10 people actually burnt their jerseys, and they probably bought them that morning for the sole reason of being on ESPN. Noone is that dumb, except people who try to paint an entire community with the ashes of a 23 jersey. It’s insulting, and what’s more, it’s inaccurate. I’m not quite sure which is worse to be on FTS, but both are bad.

The Writers Do Know What They Are Talking About

Messrs Magnotti, Zavac, Meyer, Mourton and (to some extent) Rowan are actually extremely knowledgable and well read guys. I know, looks can be decieiving, but please don't step up into the thread all like - "This writer is clearly an idiot blah de blah I'm so smart", because these guys would not post something unless they'd done their research and checked the stats. At the end of the day, this is a hobby borne out of love, and is a gateway to real life careers and stuff - why would they screw around with their reputation just for the pleasure of disagreeing with you?

Have a little respect, it takes a lot of effort to run and contribute to this site, but that's not to say you can't disagree - the posts are there to be discussed. Too much respect is boring. /shiftyeyes

Life Is Short, Don’t Be a Dick

Easier said than done I know, but if someone disagrees with your opinion on the internet, let’s not get flamey and start attacking people personally. Nobody likes that, and to be honest, it just looks bad on all of us. Either log-off or go join another blog, there’s over 300 of the things on SBNation. Stuff like ‘go back to your grandmothers basement you live there instead of going outside and actually playing sport’ is hypocritical bullshit.

We’re here to have fun and talk about the Cavs. These next few seasons have the potential to be the greatest in Cleveland sports, let’s not waste time attacking people we’ve never even met. Take everything lightly, and if you haven’t got a funny comeback, just don’t bother.

Have Fun!

Go on you scallywags, go enjoy!

Lots of love


This is a Fan-Created Comment on The opinion here is not necessarily shared by the editorial staff at FearTheSword

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