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The Cleveland Cavaliers Bench is So Bad...

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There are a lot of reasons to be happy if you're a Cavaliers fan. Kyrie Irving looks astounding. Anderson Varejao is having the best start to a season ever. Dion Waiters is playing like a fourth overall pick should be playing. But man, that bench. Dear God, that bench...

Jeff Hanisch-US PRESSWIRE

The Cavaliers bench is bad. How bad are they you ask? Well, let's break it down, Yo Momma style:

  • The Cavs bench is so bad, I'm jealous of the Charlotte Bobcats' depth.
  • The Cavs bench is so bad, Byron Scott doesn't sub them in, the bench physically rejects them every 10 minutes.
  • The Cavs bench is so bad, I'd rather stick a hanger on the stove, let it sit there for like a half hour, take it off and stab it in my tongue slow like ssssssssss than watch the second quarter of a Cavs game.
  • The Cavs bench is so bad, they scored six points against the Nets and two of those points were off a goaltend from Reggie Evans. Wait, this one actually happened.
  • The Cavs bench is so bad, they actually play Luke Walton.
  • Donald Sloan is like a nerdy kid who's really into anime, he has no idea how to score.
  • Omri Casspi is so bad, he's on the All-Star Ballot. Wait, what?!
  • Samardo Samuels is so fat, when he goes to a restaurant, he sits down, looks at the menu and says ‘ok'. I'm sorry, Samardo Samuels WAS so fat, when he goes to a restaurant, he sits down, looks at the menu and says ‘ok'. He's still pretty bad at basketball.
  • Jon Leuer's jumpshot is so ugly, it has it's own Craiglist Personals ad.
  • C.J. Miles is so bad, he's scored only five more points than he has turnovers and personal fouls combined. Really.
  • The Cavs bench is so foul, I thought I heard them quack. That one's a pun on the word ‘fowl', you guys.
  • The Cavs bench is so shallow, they make Donald Trump look deep.
  • The Cavs bench is so poor, Mitt Romney would openly mock them at a fundraiser.
  • The Cavs bench is so un-athletic, they wouldn't be able to pass the Presidential Fitness Test. Remember that from back in grade school? Flexed arm hang, y'all.
  • The Cavs bench is so talentless, they make Kim Kardashian look like Bruce Springsteen in comparison.
  • The Cavs bench is like the Ark of the Covenant, one quick look and your face will melt off in horror.
  • The Cavs bench is like Freddy Krueger, they'll haunt you dreams and turn your days into waking nightmares.
  • The Cavs bench is like pomegranates, they suck. Yeah, I hate pomegranates, come at me, bro.
  • The Cavs bench is like the movie John Carter, it's a multi-million dollar disaster of historic proportions.
  • The Cavs bench is like Rick Santorum's Presidential campaign, it would be funny if it wasn't so horrifying and scary.

Now it's your turn. Keep this going in the comments.