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Fear the Burrito: Cleveland Cavaliers Players as 'Chipotle' Ingredients

This is the answer to the question everyone has been asking: If the Cleveland Cavaliers were ingredients on a Chipotle Burrito, who would be what ingredient?


If you guys follow any of Angelo, HoopsBoosh, Conrad, David or I on Twitter, you probably noticed the all-important conversation we've been partaking in throughout the day. No, it's not that pesky Tristan Thompson question. Nor is it the "will Anderson Varejao get traded to X team for Y players?" question. It is very simply this:

If the Cavaliers were ingredients on a Chipotle burrito, what ingredients would they be?

This extremely important and team-defining question is something that has been on all of our minds at least since 1 o'clock this afternoon when apparently all of us decided to get Chipotle in our different parts of the country (except Angelo, who got mistakenly got the gumbo from Qdoba and then proceeded to give us the classic analogy of Qdoba is to Chipotle as DeShawn Stevenson is to Michael Jordan).

So without further ado, here it is:

Anderson Varejao: Varejao is one of the more hotly contested ingredients because of everything that he does. Some want him to be the steak because of his beefy rebounding ability (and because, well, the steak is the best). However, the best spot for him right now has to be the Tortilla. He is responsible for holding everything together on this team, just as the tortilla holds everything together in the burrito. Also, if he gets traded, this team will most likely fall apart, and we will all be forced to get Burrito Bowls, the ugly step-sister of the burrito.

Kyrie Irving: Kyrie is universally considered the Chicken. He is a lean in stature and efficient in production, just like the chicken. Also he is the most popular player, just as the chicken of Chipotle is the most popular meat topping for burritos.

Dion Waiters: While the easy choice here would have been the person who waits on you and makes your burrito, Dion is clearly the carnitas of the Cavaliers. Carnitas is known to be the least healthy of the Chipotle meat toppings, and Dion's apparent weight problems and out-of-shapeness made headlines this offseason. However, even with the weight problems, Dion, just like the carnitas, is a great addition to the Cavaliers.

Tristan Thompson: A twitter shout out to @stet_daddy for this one, as Thompson is the guacamole of the Cavaliers. The guacamole at Chipotle is a very highly contested topping. Either you love it or you hate it. There is no in-between. Personally I am a big fan of the guacamole, and I imagine that David is too given his fan hood of Tristan.

Alonzo Gee: Gee is the barbacoa the Cavaliers. I'll give you Boosh's reasoning as for why:

C.J. Miles: Miles is the fajitas of the Cavs because, well, @MasFresco, yo. The fajitas are fresh, just as C.J. is.

Boobie Gibson: Boobie is the cheese on the Cavaliers' burrito. He is an older, reliable topping that you can count on to come through in the clutch.

Tyler Zeller: The chips are often a good addition to a meal, just as Zeller was a good addition to the Cavaliers. Zeller is able to provide a new dimension to the Cavs offense with his post up game and ability to run the floor, just as the chips provide a different type of flavor to finish your meal off with.

Jeremy Pargo: Jeremy is the hot salsa. He is very capable of providing quick sparks of offense at the most opportune time, but mostly is best in small doses.

Omri Casspi: Casspi has his good moments, just as the beans, at Chipotle do, but mostly he and they just give you horrible gas.

Jon Leuer: Leuer is a difficult one to peg, but I would have to go with the sour cream. And yes this is entirely because of the pale, pasty complexion of his skin.

Donald Sloan: I would call Sloan that disgusting-looking brown salsa that is next to the hot salsa. I never have tried it because it just looks absolutely horrible. Sloan also has a rather odd looking playing style. Also, just like I hope that Sloan doesn't play for the Cavaliers again after Kyrie is back because Pargo can play, I hope that my local Chipotle is never out of the hot salsa because that brown salsa just looks gross.

Samardo Samuels: I would be remiss if I made a food-based article and was unable to include Samardo in it. However because Samardo is now smaller and sleaker, he has gone from being two burritos by himself to being the lettuce. The lettuce is not an important part of the burrito, but can sometimes give the burrito a little crunch, just as I hope Samardo can give us some fouls this season.

Byron Scott: Coach Scott is the rice. He, just like the rice, is the backbone of the Cavaliers. The first thing you get on your burrito is rice, just like the first person you look towards for answers is the coach.

Luke Walton: The Receipt. Because everyone hates the receipt. (Ed note: I ate Chipotle today and they asked if I wanted the receipt. I obviously said no and he threw it in the trash. I wish we could do this with Walton. Alas....)