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Semih Erden: A Rose By Any Other Name Is Just As Sweet

Shakespeare would lead us to believe that a rose by any other name is just as sweet. The psychology minor in me knows that this is complete bull. If a rose was called a 'fart flower', I guarantee you that you wouldn't stick your nose in it. If you did, I'd wonder what the hell was wrong with you. It has fart right there in the name, why would you do that?

Given that names and titles are so important, I firmly believe that a good nickname is all an otherwise mediocre player needs to turn it around. Case in point, Gilbert Arenas is a third string PG with no jump-shot that is best known for dooking in a teammate's shoe, pulling a gun in the locker room and being amnestied by a team that signed Glen "Big Baby" Davis for $26M for four years. Meanwhile, Agent Zero is an elite PG that dropped 60 on the Lakers because he said he would, led the Wizards to their deepest playoffs run in a decade and is a three-time All-Star.

See what I mean?

So what does this mean for the Cavaliers? Well, with Anderson Varejao out, we desperately need one of our two remaining centers to step-up. While Tristan Thompson is filling in for Anderson beautifully (just ask the Nets), either Ryan Hollins or Semih Erden need to up their game so Tristan can return to his native PF. Considering that Ryan Hollins is awful, let's help out Semih by crowning him with a new nickname.

Help me out, will you?

Nickname Possibility #1: The Semih Truck: If you listen carefully to interviews with the Cavaliers, you may hear one of them occasionally slip and refer to Semih Erden as "The Semih Truck". In a lot of ways, it's a very fitting nickname. Semi-trucks are slow and lumbering. They can't corner tightly nor can they maneuver quickly. These are all things which describe Semih Erden. Considering that Semih fouled out in 12 minutes earlier in the year during a period where he was averaging 11.6 fouls per 36 minutes (averaging a foul out every 15 and half minutes), this fits. But we don't want Semih to foul out. We don't want him to play like an out of control tractor trailer in a Patrick Swayze movie. This is like calling Boris Diaw "Dizilla" because of his weight. It's not good. Plus, it's far too obvious. Points are always awarded for creativity when it comes to nicknames.

Nickname Possibility #2: Beaker:

Muppet Labs Experiment 2Q975: Carve-O-Matic (via themuppetlabs)

Look at Semih Erden. Look at Beaker from the Muppets. Quite the resemblance, no? Especially their hair-dos. Watch Erden try to play defense. Watch Beaker try to take control of an experiment that's slipping out of control. Look at the fear in their eyes. You can't tell me that the similarities are shocking. Now, as much as I like this nickname, there's a few fatal flaws. The first, the hair color is all wrong. Beaker's a ginger. Semih's not. That's kind of a problem. The second, and biggest, is that if there's a Beaker on the Cavs, there also has to be a Bunsen. Sadly, there's not a Bunsen on the Cavaliers. I mean, Anthony Parker is probably the closest, but that's too much of a stretch. As much as I'd like to refer to Semih Erden as Beaker for the rest of this Cavaliers tenure, it's just slightly too much of a stretch. Plus again, there's that negative connotation that we need to avoid.

If only there was a name that would empower Semih. A nickname so great, so powerful, that it would strike shock and terror into the heart's of his opponents. Shock and terror? Wait a minute, I've got it!

Nickname Possibility #3: Semih ERDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR

The Official BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR Theatrical Trailer (via BirdemicShockTerror)

You might not know about a little film called BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR. Fear the Sword Editor-in-Chief Conrad hadn't until a few weeks ago on Twitter when he took my advice and watched it on Netflix, but now that he's experienced the SHOCK AND TERROR he'll never be the same. It's just like how the poor saps that are unlucky enough to matchup with Semih Erdemic will never be the same again. He'll surround and confuse his victims in a blur of lightning-quick motion like a flock of angry, rabid birds. He'll hack and slash their jumpers to death like a hawk rips it's prey apart. Wherever he goes he'll leave a path of death and destruction (and a little bit of bird poop) and all will know his name. For he is Semih Erdemic, and all the world will cower in fear underneath his shadow.