I know a lot of you have given up on the Cavaliers this season. And honestly, I can't blame you. The last month has been full of abysmal basketball, and the sole bright spot of this season, Kyrie Irving, hasn't played in weeks. With more and more high profile games with playoff implications (can anyone else not hear this without thinking of the Basketball Jones now?) occurring every night and the Cavaliers season pretty much over, I can't judge anyone who has tuned out until the night of the draft lottery.
But I haven't! While that's almost entirely because of Fear the Sword, I'm still watching these games and thought it'd be fun to give all of you who have either given up or those of you regularly watching a team who has a post-season this year, a glimpse into the mind of a fan who's team's season has already ended. Come and share in my descent into awful basketball-induced madness.
7:30: The corny Fox Sports Ohio introduction video plays. I hate this video. Thankfully, there's only another week of it.
7:31: Austin Carr remarks that Tristan Thompson is feeling more comfortable underneath the rim. I wonder if he's seen the statistics around Tristan's inability to score in the post. Ben Wallace noticeably avoids discussing Tristan's offensive struggles during an interview. Wise man, that Big Ben.
7:39: I tense at every commercial break waiting to hear that goddamn Kia commercial with LMFAO and the dancing hamsters. It's been two commercial breaks without it, this has to a record.
7:40: WAIT, OMRI CASSPI IS STARTING?! GODDAMMIT!
7:41: "Keys to the game: do what you do". You do realize that all this team does is lose, right?
7:43: Anthony Parker clangs his first three. Veteran leadership wastes no time.
7:44: Parker dribbles down the shot clock and drives in for a layup. AC calls it as being from "deep in the Palace". Even the announcers aren't motivated to care about this game.
7:46: Jamison clangs his first three. This is going to be a theme tonight, I sense it.
7:47: Tristan Thompson awkwardly dribbles around in the post without a clue as to what to do and then tosses a pass to Donald Sloan away. Luckily, Omri Casspi recovers it and saves the possession. Naturally, Casspi then clangs his first three of the night. Byron Scott calls timeout, Cavs are already down 10-2.
7:49: Still no LMFAO commercial, but "Mr. Saxobeat" is playing in the Palace. Can the NBA please get some better music?
7:50: Jamison clangs his first junk hook shot instead of passing to a team mate. You know, veteran leadership.
7:51: THOMPSON SCORES FROM THE POST! COUNT IT MR. PRUITI!
7:52; Jason Maxiell strips the ball from Anthony Parker, goes coast to coast and shoves a dunk down in Casspi's face. Jason Maxiell. JASON MAXIELL!
7:53: Charlie Villanueva checks in. I secretly hope Ryan Hollins is hiding somewhere in the arena and plans on picking things up where they left them last time the two faced off.
7:56: I get distracted watching YouTube clips of Charlie Villanueva stalking Ryan Hollins through the Palace. I look back up at the game and see the Cavs are now down 13 with slightly over 3:00 left in the first. They've scored five points so far this quarter. FIVE POINTS!!
7:59: CASSPI HITS A THREE! He follows that up by getting stuffed on by Greg Monroe. So it goes.
8:05: Samardo Samuels jokes in an interview that he would rather lose weight to not have to play center against big guys than actually practice and get better. I think that's our answer as to why he's in Byron Scott's doghouse. The first quarter is mercifully over. 27-16 Detroit.
8:07: WE'VE GONE A WHOLE QUARTER WITHOUT THAT FUCKING HAMSTER COMMERCIAL! REJOICE!
8:09: Somehow the bench unit actually looks better than the starters tonight. When I say better, I mean it relatively of course. They're still awful, but actually seem to be holding steady with the Pistons.
8:10: Everytime Luke Walton hits anything I feel like I've just witnessed a miracle.
8:10: Wow, Villanueva is on fire this quarter. He's already scored seven.
8:11: Austin Carr just said that he once thought that Charlie Villanueva would rival LeBron James for best player in the league. My brain hurts.
8:12: Every commercial break I'm tensing up in anticipation of that hamster commercial. Maybe it's dead for good along with the "I'm on a boat" commercial?
8:15 I'm struggling to pay any sort of actual attention to this game. I look up just in time to watch Samardo Samuels get rejected by the rim and for Charlie Villanueva to score again. The Cavs follow that up by failing to score yet again and then allowing Will Bynum to hit a three. I think my brain is going into protection mode by not allowing me to actually concentrate on this game.
8:18: Boy, that Lester Hudson thing sure ended quickly, eh?
8:19: Remember when I said the bench unit was looking better tonight? Forget I ever said that. Cavs are now down 17, 44-27.
8:22: WILL BYNUM IS SIX FUCKING FEET TALL AND HE JUST REBOUNDED A PISTONS FREE THROW! WHAT THE HELL, CAVS!?
8:25: This has gone from bad to historically bad. The Cavaliers are now down 20 to an awful Pistons team.
8:27: This is the worst basketball game.
8:28: It's weird, the Cavs have gotten to the point where they're so bad that it's impossible to follow a game closely enough to tell how bad they are. They've only scored 31 points in almost 22 minutes of basketball. I can't comprehend how bad this is.
8:32: I fucking give up. Jonas Jarebko just notched Detroits seventh steal of the game for a layup. You can't pay me enough to finish this game.
8:34: The first half ends with the Cavs down 23. 61-38, Detroit. I don't have enough alcohol in my apartment to make it through this disaster.
8:50: Assistant coach Paul Pressey is asked what the Cavaliers need to do better in order to get back into the game. He finds a diplomatic way of answering "not play like dog shit'.
8:54: Detroit starts the quarter on a 9-0 run. So much for not playing like dog shit you guys.
8:55 Still no hamster commercial. Silver lining.
8:58: 14-0 run and counting.
9:00: Parker snaps it at a 16-3 run. Veteran leadership.
9:02: It's now 83-41, Detroit. If they can keep this up, they'll unlock Brad Daugherty in NBA Jam. Meanwhile, I'll tear all of my hair out.
9:05: I think this game is putting me through an existential crisis. Why do I follow this team? Why do I volunteer to subject myself to this? Why do I continue to write about what may be the worst game of basketball played on a professional level in the past decade?
9:07: I'm officially giving up and switching over to DrawSomething. Sadly, I only have two games ready to go at the moment.
9:13: I could be at a Springsteen concert right now. Cavs are down 50. Yes, fifty fucking points. 100-50, Detroit.
9:14: There's another fucking quarter left. Why?
9:15: I hope every Cavalier who has played today reads this so they know what they're putting their fans through.
9:18: Can the Cavaliers just get Moondog out there to scoot his ass up and down the court? It'd at least be more entertaining than this. Hell, maybe he'd trip a Piston player after the Cavaliers 73rd turnover or whatever they're at now.
9:21: Seriously, if the Cavaliers even consider re-signing Antawn Jamison or Anthony Parker after this bullshit tonight, I will lose all faith in Chris Grant.
9:22: Why the fuck are you laughing Austin Carr? There's nothing funny about this.
9:24: What the hell are chicken ears? What the fuck is Austin Carr talking about?
9:30: This would be a perfect time to Ryan Hollins to run out of nowhere and ambush Charlie Villanueva. Please, just let this end. I'm begging you.
9:36: I'm just staring at my television, not comprehending or understanding anything that's going on. What I see looks vaguely familiar, like it's a long-lost loved one, but I don't recognize it. Something's wrong, something's off. It's like I'm watching a distorted image of something that I once cared about, only now the only emotions are disgust and revulsion.
9:37: They just played DMX in the Palace for Jonas Jarebko. Those motherfuckers.
9:43: It's over. Let's not ever talk about this night again.
The horror. The horror.