The Cleveland Cavaliers Comedy Revival Tour is in full swing [laugh track]
They found a way to trail the Knicks (THE FREAKING KNICKS) by 24 at the half. Somehow they found a way to be even worse than that, and lost by 31.[crowd ooooooooooh's, disgustedly]
Everyone sucked. Everyone.
If you're looking for the visual encapsulation to the Cavaliers season, this is probably it:
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Tristan's leg want's nothing to do with the rest of his body, [dramatic crowd gasp] much the same way this team wants nothing to do with one another. [loud awww, standing ovation]
The Knicks entered tonight with a perimeter defense so terrible there is a name for how terrible it is [host showcases FARTDOG for audience], while the Cavs came in with a reputation to protect, a really crappy one. [laugh track] Yet, here we are, wondering how one team can suck so so bad, with so little reason. [sad sigh]
So stay tuned, because if you like a really crappy basketball team, these guys are coming to your town, and are up to the task of out sucking whatever suck your guys are able to conjure up. [raucous applause]
Really though. This morning we heard that Kyrie is telling people he wants out. Maybe he does? Who wouldn't? If you had the chance to help set basketball back about 1000 years or take the chance to jump ship and hope you land on a winning team, you'd probably do it too.
There is not a move that fixes this team, in all likelihood. Chris Grant's masterplan of finding 15 guys that would work so well together at embarrassing themselves at all times has worked flawlessly, and the stench on this team is so absolute that it ruined Luol Deng. LUOL DENG. That poor angel came here expecting to help lead a team to the playoffs, and instead got jumped like that kid with the glow-sticks in Lord of the Flies.
Whatever reasons you had for saving whoever on this team, put the cape down, they aren't worth it.
Editor's note: This is my favorite tweet ever.
"Hellooo Darkness, my old friend.." *Dan Gilbert opens the small, ebony case containing his and Nicks's matching draft bow ties*— netw3rk (@netw3rk) January 31, 2014