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The doctor is in: A cure for LeBron's body language

I am not an actual doctor, but I'm playing one today.

Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports

Watch enough Cleveland Cavaliers games this season, and one of the more disturbing things you might notice is LeBron James' bad body language. One game, he will look lethargic on the court. The next game, he will look frustrated. He has a wide range of bad body language symptoms, and it  can be highly contagious. I'm worried if it isn't cured soon, the entire team could become infected.

Now, I'm not technically or legally a doctor of any kind. However, a quick internet search tells me there are no degree programs for Body Language Doctors, and if there isn't a degree for something, I feel a-okay proclaiming myself to be an expert in that field. LeBron, I am going to be your doctor!

I have come up with an intense regimen of prescriptions and therapeutic activities to cure LeBron's bad body language, it may not cure all that ails the Cavs right now, but it'll hopefully cure LeBron's moping up and down the court.

Acting Lessons

Anyone who watched LeBron host Saturday Night Live many years ago will be fairly aware that he isn't the world's best actor. Acting lessons will help him improve in that area so he can act through games he doesn't care about.

Many of his body language issues can be fixed if an acting coach can convince LeBron to use the acting technique known as "method acting." This is where an actor stays in character at all times -- even when he or she is not preforming. In LeBron's case, his acting coach should have him method act the role of a guy who is happy to be in Cleveland and takes great joy in playing the children's game of basketball.

A Team Bonding Experience

During the 2009-10 Cavs season, going to see Slumdog Millionaire united the Cavs until they fell apart completely at the hands of the Celtics during the second round of the playoffs. During the 2010-11 Heat season, beating the stuffing out the Cavs united a team that went on to make the NBA Finals. Sometimes all a team needs is a bonding moment to pull together.

I think if LeBron felt closer to his teammates, maybe he would feel worse about pouting on the court. Or maybe his teammates would feel comfortable enough to tell him, "Hey LeBron, stop pouting on the court." That would be cool.

The team could bound over anything, really. However, Basketball coach messiah Gregg Popovich often creates bonding opportunities. According to a bit of pre-recorded dialogue in NBA2K14, he makes players go to Coldplay concerts together and stuff like that. Cavs head coach David Blatt could take a page out of this book and make the team go see some overrated arena rock together. U2 tours a lot, right?

Otherwise, perhaps a near-death situation like in the movie Alive could work. In that movie, a Brazilian soccer team bonds after a mountain plane crash strands them without food. The Cavs don't need to do something so extreme, but perhaps a fabricated situation where all the players THINK they're going to die but are never truly in danger would work instead?


Lastly, I am prescribing hypnosis. Perhaps a hypnotist can use the power of suggestion to convince LeBron he is actually happy playing basketball on this team. I think he will be predisposed to this suggestion after the previous two steps. He will already be pretending to be happy in Cleveland, and hopefully, he will feel a close bond with his team. A hypnotic state could be the one thing to put him over the top into something that approaches truly liking it on this team.

The Cavs can give Blatt the trigger word to use whenever LeBron starts to look grouchy on the court.

If LeBron and the Cavs follow these steps, I think this team can at least conquer the body language problem. It doesn't solve everything, but hey -- this is a process.