Dear Mr. Gilbert,
Ryan Mourton here. You may not remember me, but I tweet you all the time, asking to play Connect Four and Operation and stuff. Today though I want to talk about a different game; Basketball.
I heard some rumors recently that you were interested in
I recently heard that
You might want to hire Joe Dumars?!?!?!
[BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE BREATHE]
Really though. Joe Dumars? Is this a test of faith? Am I being punked? I know it's not a hiring (yet), or anything, but just rumors of it have cut so deep that I spent 45 minutes this morning staring at the mirror, wondering if I was stuck in an Inception style Limbo. It can't be real right? I know Joe Dumars built a title team, but that remains the flukiest title team in recent history -- and have you seen what he's done since then?
Recently, someone suggested trading for Ben Gordon. So I went and looked his salary up -- $13 MIllion! It took all of 3 seconds for me to realize that Joe Dumars had to be involved. Did you know he awarded Ben Gordon and Charlie Villanueva 22 million dollars? In the same offseason? He just gave Josh Smith 54 million dollars to play small forward, despite Atlanta sinking almost a decade of research into finding out that Josh Smith cannot play small forward. He's fired more coaches in the last few years than you have, and Tom Gores, whom I know you have butted heads with, is about to let Joe walk at the end of the year.
All of these are just the recent atrocities. Remember the 2003 draft? You weren't here, but do you remember how LeBron, Melo, Wade, and Bosh changed the NBA? Do you remember how they left Detroit in a lurch? Of course you don't, because they didn't, because Joe Dumars took DARKO MILICIC IN FRONT OF MELO, BOSH, AND WADE. He has twice had a ton of cap space to rebuild with, and ended up with Gordon, Villanueva, Brandon Jennings, and Smith to show for it.
Let's get to why this is really important though, Dan. Me. Yes, me. I have been making fun of Dumars since I was 15. "Does Joe Dumars have cap space?" has been my go to for GM jokes about bad players looking for tons of money since what seems like forever. Now, you might not just hire him, but hire him WITH CAP SPACE. If you do this, I might never get to show my face on the internet again, and my face was born for the internet. This is a time of crisis, and I don't know if my fragile state can handle Joe freaking Dumars. I have been able to see or at least come close to seeing the logic in a lot of head scratching things the Cavaliers have done. I cannot justify this though, with so much empirical and frankly hilarious evidence to suggest that this is a terrible idea.
So Dan, please. I'm begging you. Don't do this. Don't put me, or any of us through Joe Dumars. We can't take it, and the Cavs can't either.
Duke of Akron, Ohio