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Chicago Bulls 97, Cleveland Cavaliers 95: Courtside Tweets

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This was a basketball game.

Dennis Wierzbicki-USA TODAY Sports

I had one job.

See, I'm a basketball writer. That involves writing about basketball. Sometimes that involves talking about basketball. Last night, the Cavs opened their season. The President was there. Normally, I would be viewing this game to provide my insights since they tend to be far more valuable than 99 percent of the population's.

WRONG.

I slept. Didn't see a single second of the game because if I lay on my couch a certain way my dog will come up and lay in the space that's left and it's warm and cozy and I passed right out. Blame it on Elysium too, that movie was on and is SOOOOO boring.

Anyway. The Cavs met the Chicago If Derrick Rose Healthy Bulls and.... crap that's last year's joke. Ok. The Cavs played the Bulls and they lost but it's October so whatever. Here's a sad song:

The Cavs' loss was sealed on this Pau Gasol block. A clip of Pau playing meaningful defense is rare, so here you go:

MOAR HIGHLIGHTS


There isn't video of this, but c'mon just use your imagination.

Technology is hard

Kevin Harlan has no idea what Snapchat is. That's fine, really. I really missed the boat on Back to the Future Day because my Snapchat handle is a killer BTTF pun (Mourty_McFly). Kevin, if you're reading: Snapchat is a great place to send self destructing pictures of... well whatever to your friends. Sometimes you draw a top hat on... stuff. Sometimes you take a picture of your empty apartment and draw friends.

PS: If you need boxes, I get like 10 amazon orders a week and all those in the corner could be yours. I spend almost an hour a week cutting down boxes. My life is crap.

PSS: I'm not letting any of you weirdos have boxes with my address why did I say that. Carry on.

Words and stuff

FTS speed dating

Some things never change. It's 2015, but the ladies of twitter still need someone to take them to basketball games.

Basketball should be for everyone, and nobody should be left wanting like this.

Local Man competes in iron man contest to use every bad "$82 million" reference possible

I think we're on day eight of this stand-off between topical humor and this internet hero. More updates as they become available.

The Cavs play the Grizzlies tonight. Don't be afraid to find ways to entertain yourself until then.

And don't end up on punishment.