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Cleveland Cavaliers 99, Boston Celtics 91: Courtside Tweets

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Boston Beans suck anyway.

"If I want Kyrie backed up right, I'll just have to do it myself"
"If I want Kyrie backed up right, I'll just have to do it myself"
David Richard-USA TODAY Sports

We now go live, to my house:

NOTE: THIS SERIES IS SATIRE. VIEWS ARE MINE, AND MINE ALONE, BUT IF THEY AREN'T YOURS TOO YOU PROLLY SUCK.

Suck it, NERDS.

Yeah. NERDS. I said it.

The Boston Celtics and their librarian lookin' ass coach came to Cleveland. They brought their books and their dumb laptop sized Texas Instruments calculators that cost like $200 and are required which is dumb because MOM I WANT NEW SHOES but no I have to have this dumb number box.

Here's a number: 0. As in 0 wins for inventor of basketball Brad Stevens. Stars rule, Books drool. Cavs lead 2-0.

We Got Highlights




Potent Quotables


You gotta lose that damn hat though, Larbon.


Professional Words

We're Just Here to Mock Toronto

Toronto, the team with home court, is on the verge of getting swept.

At least they didn't give out shirts with a number on them.

Oops. They killed that weak schedule early though.

Checking in on the "Trade Kyrie for Rondo!" Market

UH OH

THIS SEEMS NOT GOOD

I was under the impression that....

This seems bad. Is that bad? Would trading a 22 year old superstar for him be bad? Lets think about it

You know what? I think we're good. SOMEHOW, the people who wanted to pair Rajon Rondo and LeBron James in 2015 were completely wrong. Who knew.

This Guy

I don't know what they'll do to him, but hopefully it's not as bad as what they did to Aron Baynes.

Hey it happens to all of us. A little time off, some time to think, you can get over one dunk. ONE DUNK isn't a kilOH GOD WHY

Well, just a bad night.

Aron Baynes prayer circle meets promptly 20 minutes past noon tomorrow.

In Conclusion

The Cavs are 2-0. That's predictable. Both OSU players on the Celtics roster need to not play. That's predictable. The Raptors are 0-2. That's HILARIOUS. Aron Baynes has passed, is survived by a few plants, and some form of horrific Australian Wildlife. We're still laughing at Kyrie for Rondo ideas. If you thought it was a good one, you deserve it. Anything else?

Oh yeah.

Ok. Anything now?

Ok, nothing else that is soul crushing and hilarious can come of this, right?

WELP. CATCH YOU ALL FOR GAME THREE!