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Non-Champion LeBron James wins important Championship award: Is America being threatened?

How do we award champion if he isn't a champion?

Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

Folks, I can't lie to you. I won't lie to you. You're too good for it. July 15th, 2015, is a day that will live forever more in sporting infamy. Tonight we witnessed a true crime right before our eyes. Tonight we saw what the future holds, and friends that future is bleak. Please make sure you are sitting down for what comes next, and please make sure nobody is sleeping nearby.

LeBron James has won the ESPY for best championship performance.


- "How can his performance be so good if he has no rings?"

- "How is he first when he was mostly last?"

- "What is an ESPY? Has this always been on? Is this a Suddenly Susan spin off?"

I'm here with you. No, I am THERE with you. You are not alone and this injustice will not be tolerated on American soil. Since the beginning of time, America has held dear the sanctity of winning things. Nothing is more important than winning things. It's why baseball players are frequently chocked full of female hormones, or football players have carte blanch for all forms of physical violence so long as there is no visual evidence and the old South Park "IT'S COMING RIGHT FOR US!!" defense is applicable. Winning is at the core of our society and we are not going to let some loser who lost destroy that.

We are not alone. No, there is an army behind us, ready for whatever comes next.

We have big names.

We have small names.

We have guys willing to cape for a HORSE. How can you not trust that? Really, how can you not look at a dude upset that a horse didn't win a human award and think "Yes this is who I need to roll with this guy totally gets it".

This woman won Florida teacher of the year once. Her bio also celebrates her almost winning another one. She knows the pitfalls of celebrating almost, and is willing to teach the children of tomorrow about them. We cannot let LeBron James get in the way of that, he needs to be stopped.

We have witty hash tags.

We have witty usernames.

We have your contact info and some pretty seriously damning quotes from the losing winner himself.

What more do you need America? What more can you possibly want to see? Do you really think you can give one guy who put up never before seen numbers -- and just by the mere fact that they weren't even more ridiculous the guy who allowed him those numbers won MVP -- should just waltz his way to some award we barely know of? Do you honestly believe that asking us to name the last five winners of that award is a good response? You know we don't watch the ESPY's! That's cheating and you're as unethical as whatever moron gave LeBron that award thinking that we didn't have a good four-and-a-half hours to be upset about it before getting back to playing Candy Crush Saga and ordering Pizzas on our phones.

So nice try ESPN, you miserable hacks. Nice of you to celebrate some loser yet again instead of real champions. Maybe you're afraid to say the words "Michael Jordan" but we aren't. If you care about your ratings at all you will fix this soon, or else we will all call our cable providers and ask them if they can send a tech out to show us how to get to Fox Sports 1.

Test us if you're feeling brave.