The Cleveland Cavaliers, for whatever reason, have been the target of constant handwringing with regards to their general happiness and body language. The smart thing to do, of course, is to not worry about Kevin Love not doing cartwheels on the sideline while on the bench, but that hasn't stopped, well, anyone from doing such a thing.
As a result, I've decided to join the madness with a little help from my good friend Cameron Fitchett, the best person at coming up with ridiculous, abstract theories that I've ever met.
I'm putting on my tweed blazer, getting a nice leather couch for the office I don't actually own and becoming the armchair psychologist nobody asked me to be.
Let's psycho-analyze the Cleveland Cavaliers.
Disclaimer: The following will be 100 percent opinion based on very, very little, so as a result, you should take each word as gospel. But seriously, please don't.
- Iman Shumpert has been mirroring LeBron James in wearing shorter shorts than the rest of the league in his games. I think this is because he's noticed how LeBron has taken Jared Cunningham under his wing, and is getting a little insecure about it.
- Every time Kevin Love shoots an open threes, everything in his body before and after the shot exudes, "I guess I'll take it, but it's probably not gonna go in anyway."
- Cameron: I bet LeBron James asked Kevin Love to go to the movies with him when he first joined the team, and Kevin declined but didn't have a good reason. That's why Kevin isn't invited to take team pictures.
- J.R. Smith is playing with a little too much of an edge this season. He's becomes angry quickly, he's quickly discouraged, and he VERY quickly melts down in regards to the referees. J.R. Smith's game should not be fueled by anger. J.R. Smith's game should be fueled by pure, ecstatic, nonsensical joy. Play happy, Earl. It suits you.
- The way Timofey Mozgov is marketed seems to be markedly different from the person Timofey Mozgov is. Not everyone from Russia is a bear-riding, vodka-swilling, emotionally closed-off monster, it seems. I bet it annoys him, privately.
- Cameron: Anderson Varejao got his reputation as a hustle player solely based on the way his hair flops around. If we shaved his head at the beginning of his career, the tape would reveal that he barely moved at all.
Editors Note: Cameron doesn't really think this, but it'd be really fun if this were true.
- Recently the camera cut to Mozgov heading to the bench, and someone moved so he could sit next to Sasha Kaun. We always assume that people who speak the same language or have the same nationality are buddies, but what if they hate each other? I mean, there's tons of people that speak English that I'm not super interested in talking to.
- I think for all the talk about ceding things to Love and Kyrie Irving, LeBron isn't really comfortable giving up control of the offense yet, for a couple of reasons. First, I don't think he trusts those guys all the way. Second, I think the idea that it might be better for him offensively to not have the ball in his hands at this point in his career is kind of scary, because getting old is scary.
- Jared Cunningham has one of the best jobs in America right now, and I think he understands that. Dude's heart rate probably tripled when LeBron invited him to his private shooting session.
- I wish anyone revered me as much as every member of the Cleveland Cavaliers reveres James Jones. In him and Anderson Varejao, the Cavaliers have two dudes that other people just like being around. That has to be good for locker room morale.
- I think David Blatt talking to LeBron while completely naked in the locker room was a power move. He could have showered at home. He could have gotten dressed. He chose not to. He is the captain now.
- I assume that Matthew Dellavedova and Tristan Thompson are best friends because of their pick-and-roll chemistry and I don't want to hear anything to the contrary if they aren't. I bet they kill wing-manning for one another out at the bar.
- Cameron: LeBron James' shooting fell off this season because he's so good at everything that he can't possibly have the time to maintain each part of his skill set at its peak efficiency. That's why he just decided to get good at free throws a month or so ago, and just decided to re-discover his three-point shot. This is among my favorite baseless theories.
- I think Mo Williams kinda thought he, LeBron and Varejao would run through the league like the old days. His tenure with the Cavaliers sort of feels like when you plan a hang out with a buddy from high school that you haven't talked to in a couple years only to find out you don't have anything in common anymore.