The Cavaliers sit at 30-12. They lead the Eastern conference despite their second best player, Kyrie Irving missing half the season thus far and their best wing defender, Iman Shumpert missed a huge portion of the season as well.
For most teams, this would be reason to celebrate. But the Cavaliers aren't most teams.
That being the case, the Cavaliers just fired their head coach, David Blatt. Before the organization could clean up the blood off the floor, the team was worked over in their first game under Tyronn Lue at home against the Bulls.
This has sent the fanbase and media into full-on meltdown mode, and now that there's no coach to blame, folks want players on the move.
Like, they really seem to want players on the move.
Maybe it's time to abandon hope, douse the franchise in gasoline, and burn this thing down!!!
Well, you know what? Typically, I'd be here telling you all to calm down, and that the team is really good. "Stay the course," I'd say. But not today. Today, I'm gonna give the people what they want. Let's clean house, for some reason.
TRADE ONE: Putting Myself in Charge
This is the obvious first step. David Griffin has done well as the GM of the Cleveland Cavaliers but so has the roster of the Cleveland Cavaliers this season, and that's not saving any of the players. I've got the right stuff to get this job done, and by god, I just deserve the opportunity to build a team. Let's. Go.
Also, sorry to Fear the Sword, who is just getting spanked in this trade. They took on a more expensive asset that probably doesn't even like writing that much. See ya, losers.
TRADE TWO: SuperFriends Unite!
There's not a great sense of unity on this Cavaliers team? Well I got a solution for ya! We're reuniting the Olympics team that helped single-handedly bring about LeBron's exodus in the first place. LeBron James got criticized for giving jobs to James Jones and Mike Miller. Let's just get crazy and bring everybody he ever liked in and see what happens.
Plus, there's the added upside of recreating that ridiculous banana boat picture from last summer. Hell, the Cavaliers can even bring in Gabrielle Union as lead assistant coach to get everyone on board.
(Note: There's no way there wasn't an audible sigh from LeBron and Chris Paul when Wade got off the plane with Union in tow, right?
"This was supposed to be boys weekend, Dwyane.")
TRADE THREE: The Bad Old Days
This should serve as a nice reminder that just two years ago, you were hoping that players like Dion Waiters and Tyler Zeller could take the next step. Also, stupid idiots were writing that the Luol Deng trade was a perfect fit (that stupid idiot was me, by the way.)
Basically, even when things feel bad or hopeless, just remember that we're watching a good Cavaliers team. They do cool stuff on the court. They don't lose 26 games in a row. It could be a lot worse.
Oh, and I threw in David Lee to make salaries work and I just wanted to add an extra layer of bummer on top. Sue me.
TRADE FOUR: Operation: Make Kevin Happy (so many colons in this title, I've got to clean that up.)
The Cavaliers blog and Twitter community and I (mostly me) have a bad habit of worrying a little bit too much about the spirits of Kevin Love. He seems to be kind of a moody guy, and he doesn't always fit very well in the offense. Well, instead of shipping him out to find someone that fits better, I thought I'd bring his friends into town to make him happy instead.
On a fun aside for the Wolves, they get Ty Lawson, who was once the best of the three point guards they drafted in 2009. Everything always comes full circle in the NBA.
Sure, the championship window would slam shut, but imagine all the fun outlet passes to Corey Brewer!
TRADE FIVE: Over the Hill
Much has been made about LeBron's dwindling prime, and there's credence to it. He's only going to be mega-elite for a little while longer, and the Cavaliers window may be closing. That's why many have suggested the aforementioned Kyrie-for-Paul trade.
I'll do you one better. What if I told you I could combine LeBron James with Kevin Garnett, Zach Randolph, Joe Johnson and Vince Carter, with all of them in their prime?
Well, I can't tell you that. But I got 'em for you here and now! I've learned that there's no time to waste with the young whippersnappers on the Cleveland Cavaliers. They gotta win, and they gotta win now. In keeping with that, I've jettisoned every player from the team that's younger than 30 years old. Young players can't make mistakes, and we can't have that if we're going to get
Vince Carter LeBron James a title in Cleveland.
So, there you have it. I've basically done David Griffin's job for him. You can send your bonus for winning the title my way, Griff, and learn a very important lesson from me: when you face any adversity, you just gotta blow it up, baby.